The comments are in roughly chronological order. Most of the original comments are longer, and I have just taken excerpts. If you want to see the an original comment in its complete form, follow the link in the link in each commenter’s name.
One other thing to note is that this is a fairly long post (I tried to limit myself to 100 funny comments, but I just couldn’t reduce that far) so if you’re planning to read the whole thing, you might want to set aside a few minutes.
- kevinf, commenting on EmJen’s post “Technologizing Sunday School” at BCC:
with my experience with new Family Search, it’s wiki like capabilities have encouraged all sorts of ridiculous and wildly inaccurate misuse leading to all sorts of totally impossible family associations being made so that folks can do temple work for marriages that never happened, people who never existed, and dubious family relationships that surely will keep some of these folks in Spirit Prison for some extended period of time.
- kc, commenting on mmiles’s post “Poll: Home and Visiting Teaching edition” at BCC:
When someone gives me a vt report of ‘I bumped into her in the hall’ I have come to believe that means their purse or some other object hit the sister. That way they can say they made ‘contact’ with her, and spoke to her, usually something like ‘Excuse me’.
My husband believes saying ‘Merry Christmas’ to his families at the ward party is sufficiently leaving a message of Christ with them. Also, he likes to surprise attack the lost sheep on his list by using our children as pawns in his scheme and takes them trick or treating to his ht families.
- Thomas Parkin, commenting on J. Stapley’s post “Mental Illness and George Albert Smith [UPDATED]” at BCC:
If I had followed my bishop’s advice concerning my dentistrical needs, possibly I’d still have teeth.
Instead, I went to a dentist in Babylon.
- Cowboy, commenting on shenpa warrior’s post “Lawnmower God Helped Me Find My Wallet” at W&T:
I suppose if we give God the credit for helping us make the shot in basketball, the basket should then probably be disqualified for interference, methinks?
- observer fka eric, commenting on John C.’s post “The gospel isn’t an IQ test” at BCC:
I do not disclose to my young daughters that a sport called softball exists while disclosing that soccer exists. I also distract them if we drive by a softball field so they look the other way. This technique (the means) will justify protecting and preserve the limited time they have as a youth and myself from wasting their youth with hours of boredom (the ends). Someday, when they are “ready” for the truth about softball, I will tell them at the right moment. And I will be OK if they hate me for not exposing them to it. I’ll be damned if I have to sit through one of those games.
- motiondesmiths, commenting on Jessawhy’s post “New Year’s Resolution- Work on Marriage” at the Exponent, where she listed goals for improving her marriage, including “Special couple time (X times per week)”:
WOW! Special couple time Roman Numeral X times per week!? You goddess.
- As Sistas in Zion, narrating part of a video on the priesthood after watching it with no audio, commenting on Steve Evans’s post “The Power of God, from the women’s view” at BCC:
A mother smiles as she watches her son get the priesthood. As the men lay their hands upon his head the boy’s life begins to flash before his closed eyes. (We’re not sure if it’s just this boy or if all men receive similar visions when receiving the priesthood.)You may think the woman taking the sacrament is sad, but she is not, look at her face when she pours lemonade it’s the same. So she is not sad, that’s just the way her face looks.See the Mormon woman wear a pantsuit that even Hillary Clinton would envy, see how she matches her suitcase to her suit.The boy is on a mission teaching an investigator whose live in girlfriend refuses to take the discussions with him. We know he lives with a woman because of the multiple floral arrangements, wallpaper and neatly arranged picture frames in the home. We know that he and the live in woman are not married because he is not wearing a wedding ring. The missionaries must not like his girlfriend because they then take him to a singles ward, where a young single Mormon gal smiles in his direction utilizing the technique flirt-to-convert. It works, because he is then baptized.While pretending to read a very thick book while standing, a young woman notices the newly returned missionary in the library. She’s a woman who knows what she wants and she tells him so, but not verbally, because that would be inappropriate, she uses her eyes. The couple is soon married and shortly there after give birth to a bouncing baby boy, ignoring rumors that they “had” to get married.
The woman watches as her husband baptizes their son. She is smiling on the outside, but inside she is thinking where did we go wrong, why does he have no friends. As someone pointed out earlier usually baptisms are crawling with kids smashed against the glass. No children are watching his baptism, so clearly their son has no friends.
Something is amiss in the couple’s relationship they have reached rocky times. Look how they sit closely to one another in church, but pay close attention to how the Mormon woman is NOT tickling/rubbing her husband’s back during sacrament meeting. They see the bishop and he suggests that they serve together to help their marriage. They participate in a service project of raking and elderly woman’s yard. She’s the one doing the raking and he’s just standing there chatting the old lady up, but she finds it endearing, divorce averted.
The woman has borne many children; see their ridiculously large family in the picture over the fire place. As many Mother’s do sometimes she gets sick and tired. So he gives her a blessing.
The couple grows old together. See them in church. See how she sings like she’s auditioning for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. See how he looks kind of annoyed about it. How he longs for the days when she didn’t sing so loudly and just sat quietly and tickled his back.
Alas the effects of the blessing have worn off, she is sick again. He tries chicken noodle soup, but to no avail. She passes on and defies statistics that women outlive men. In the end he is a lonely old man, the children don’t visit, thank goodness for the photographs on the mantle.
Back to the boy receiving the priesthood, he opens his eyes and thinks; I hope my patriarchal blessing gives me better news than this.
- Heber13, on the possibility raised by As Sistas in Zion that all men receive a vision when they receive the priesthood, commenting on Steve Evans’s post “The Power of God, from the women’s view” at BCC:
Yes, all men receive similar visions, however, mine included apocalyptic events at Y2K, followed by the final trilogy of Star Wars Episodes 7, 8, and 9 to usher in the millennium.
Unfortunately, not all of the events in my vision have come to pass (probably due to my unrighteousness and not cleaning up enough old widows’ lawns.).
- mellifera, commenting on Steve Evans’s post “The Power of God, from the women’s view” at BCC:
It’s super-sweet that we get to have babies and nurse and do all this super-important stuff that guys can’t. . . .
Those poor men, missin’ out on so much. Aren’t we lucky that God ordained men some kind of consolation prize in life, e.g., 99.9% guaranteed orgasms?
Whoops, I meant the priesthood.
- MCQ, commenting on WVS’s post “Friday the 13th Caffeine Poll” at BCC:
The Word of Wisdom says nothing about caffeine, so I feel fine using it. Same with crack.
- zillah, commenting on EmJen’s post “Thoughts on seminary on the occasion of its 100th anniversary” at BCC:
[I] ended seminary in 12th grade w/ a teacher who spent 2 solid months proving that evolution was wrong and evil through a combination of quotes from lorenzo snow and scriptural verses which somehow proved that both adam and the earth had bellybuttons (i still don’t entirely grasp the relevance of either of these facts)
- April, commenting on Whoa-man’s post “Eternal Gender” at the Exponent:
Determining who should qualify for church leadership callings based on genitalia makes very little sense to me because I can’t think of one occasion in which it is appropriate to utilize one’s genitalia while performing official priesthood duties.
- J. Stapley, commenting on the BCC Labs post “Roundtable: Mormons & the Zombie Apocalypse” at BCC:
I believe Benjamin F. Johnson wrote a letter in 1903, in which he addressed not only the propriety of zombie baptism for health, but also that their baptism for health would be performed by the council of fifty, thus preserving the constitution which hangs by a thread during the apocalypse.
- Last Lemming, quoting and answering another commenter’s question about nominating presidential candidates, commenting on Devyn S.’s post “Three Down 47 to Go” at Mormon Mentality:
If you tried you could not come up with a worse system?
Sure you could. Just for starters–
* put the nomination up for auction on E-bay;
* let the previous nominee select his successor;
* pistols at twenty paces.
I could go on.
- Mark Brown, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “The Super Bowl of Analogies!” at BCC:
The lesson I will teach the young men next week will be about how to deal with adversity.
Even after a crushing Super Bowl loss, Tom Brady was able to go home and console himself with his tens of millions of dollars and supermodel wife. Lesson: Make lots of money and date beautiful women.
- Kevin Barney, on a receiver’s remarkable catch during the Super Bowl, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “The Super Bowl of Analogies!” at BCC:
Manningham kept his fee[t] within the bounds the Lord has set…
- StillConfused, commenting on Kristine’s post “Can someone tell me…” at BCC:
My policy does not cover pregnancy or mental illness (don’t worry, all of my personalities are okay with that)
- Bonjo, suggesting what Mitt Romney should say first after being elected, commenting on Rebecca J’s post “President-elect Romney” at BCC:
“When I saw President Obama’s number on the caller ID, I knew I would be speaking tonight.”
- SP, also suggesting what Mitt Romney should say first after being elected, commenting on Rebecca J’s post “President-elect Romney” at BCC:
Brothers and sisters, Webster’s Dictionary defines “inauguration” as …
- Meldrum the Less, commenting on Aaron R.’s post “On remembering the excommunicated: A modest proposal for change”:
We can’t expect the Bishop or the membership department to keep track of all the criminals predating upon our society with a series of little asterisks on membership records.
- Lorian, on temples stopping YW from doing baptisms if they were having their period, commenting on Layne’s post “Blood in the Water” at fMh:
my personal theory is that there must be sharks in the baptistry, but you just can’t see ‘em. But it would be dangerous to be in there if there was a drop of blood in the water, because the sharks could smell it, and they’d go into attack mode…
- Kaimi, commenting on Winterbuzz’s post “Judging the ‘Hot Mom'” at fMh:
By the way, did anyone else think that “Judging the Hot Mom” would be the awesomest reality show concept ever? It has hotness, moms, and judging, all wrapped into one. That’s like 75% of reality TV right there, condensed into one simple sexually-appealing-yet-maternal package (ooh, transgressive!). We could make all of the contestants do mom-my things while looking as hot as possible. (And now, packing school lunches. Shake it, ladies.) Simon Cowell could be one of the judges, and he could make snide comments while the hot moms desperately try to look enticing while cleaning vomit off of baseboards (ew!).
- Risa, commenting on Elisothel’s post “Spousimony” at fMh, where she told of her husband not doubting her faithfulness when her STD test turned up (falsely) positive:
I never thought I’d read a heart-warming story about STDs. . . .
Happy VD! I mean, Happy Valentine’s Day!
- Jenna, commenting on Another Maternity Blogger’s post “Second Class Citizens, a Series: Childless at Church” at fMh:
My personal favorite response to prying questions is “No kids for us! We’re saving up for a boat!”
- Back Row, commenting on Another Maternity Blogger’s post “Second Class Citizens, a Series: Childless at Church” at fMh:
I’ve always wanted to use the line “We would love children but ever since my husband’s lawnmower accident….” but unfortunately I’ve never had the guts.
- Mark Brown, on the male BYU student who left a female student a note complaining about her clothes, commenting on Brad’s post “Self-Fulfilling. Or, Why Fetishizing Girls’ Bodies Fetishizes Girls’ Bodies.” at BCC:
If he is too irresponsible to accept accountability for the way his body reacts around women, regardless of how they are dressed, he is too irresponsible to have genitalia at all.
Bring on the Smoothie!!
- Jake, also commenting on the BYU student’s note, commenting on Brad’s post “Self-Fulfilling. Or, Why Fetishizing Girls’ Bodies Fetishizes Girls’ Bodies.” at BCC:
What I want to know is how was he physically not safe by what she was wearing? Was he in fear that the leggings would snap and the shards of fabric would flick into his eye?
- Kimberly, commenting on Mhana’s post “Second Class Citizens, a Series: Part-Member Family” at fMh:
in one ward, if I was assigned a home teacher, I never met him, and since I was divorced, he was probably too scared to visit anyway because I was just waiting to seduce him. (When I asked about this, the missionaries told me my HT may have been avoiding any possible impropriety. I told them I only planned acts of impropriety on Tuesdays and my VT was otherwise safe to cross my threshold.) I was joking…it’s Wednesday I block off to commit my worst offenses- the middle of the week is so boring.
- Kaimi, commenting on Winterbuzz’s post “Maria and Sarah Lawrence: Remembering the Forgotten Women of Joseph Smith” at fMh:
If there’s no sex involved and these are merely dynastic links, then Joseph should have kicked off the same-sex marriage revolution a century earlier and simply married Heber.
- Rbc, responding to another commenter, commenting on Living in Zion’s post “I am Treading Lightly Here” at Mormon Mentality:
are you really asking for “wife beater” style garments? Sleeveless tops for men? Way too immodest.
- Bradley, commenting on DefyGravity’s post “What Does it Mean to Be Offended?” at the Exponent:
Jesus was offended at the money changers in the temple. Or maybe he was faking it to elicit a calculated response. Not enough people wanted him dead.
- razuki, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Sex, Body Image, Mormons, n Stuff” at fMh:
When I was young, I thought the word “sex” was a curse word. When I went in for my baptismal interview at age 8 the bishop asked me what my sex was. I was so shocked that the bishop would curse right there in church, and I didn’t even know what he was saying.
- An anonymous commenter, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Sex, Body Image, Mormons, n Stuff” at fMh:
I remember once, probably when I was about 10-11 I was watching TV with my mom. There was a couple on screen who was having sex (they were not married), and she turned to me and said, “We don’t do that.” And that was all. I was SO confused. Between that, and hearing people say (over the pulpit), “We have been blessed with X number of children”, or “We’ll welcome as many children into our family as the Lord blesses us with”, the only conclusion I could come to was that Mormons NEVER had sex, and all Mormon women experienced immaculate conception.
- Mark B., explaining what “The Rescue” is, commenting on EmJen’s post “‘The Rescue'” at BCC:
It all grew out of a simple misunderstanding. One of the brethren was particularly moved by a male quartet’s rendering of “Brightly Beams our Father’s Mercy” but misunderstood the last line: “Some poor fainting, struggling seaman, You may rescue, you may save.” He decided that it was time for a new anti-birth control initiative. He was going to rescue every fainting, struggling semen, or die trying.
- Joshua A., commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “On Children Bearing Testimony” at BCC:
There should be a calling for this: “testimony judge.” Numbers per unit may vary, but no more than 6 people sitting in the back of the chapel with large scoring cards. Testimonies are to be scored on a scale of 1-10 on criteria of relevance, doctrinal accuracy, and sincerity. Anyone who averages less than a six shall be subjected to no less than one hour of instruction by missionaries on how to bear a “proper testimony.” Missionaries who, of course, are trained like seals to bark their testimonies on cue in “rote memorized phrases.”
- Joseph McKnight, on folk doctrine, commenting on Mike S’s post “Mormonism 101: A Confusing FAQ” at W&T:
I take all the blame for all of it. I invented the polygamy thing, as I know now the church always taught only one man and one woman. I made up the priesthood and temple ban from blacks and taught it in Sunday School again and again until 1978 when I heard the announcement from KSL TV and I thought the world was going to end because I had preached that blacks would only get the priesthood after everybody else had gotten it and no sooner. I was the one who made up the couplet about God being like man. I love taking the blame, too, from Elder Holland and others, because I AM the common folk. It was all folklore and I am the folk who made it up.
- Randy, commenting on Dave Banack’s post “Your help needed: naming Mormon ice cream” at T&S:
Jack Mormon Fruit
The Golden Dates
Chew Nibley (with little toffee hypocephaluses)
Death by Danite Chocolate
and of course
Mint Romney (plain vanilla)
- EOR, commenting on Brad’s post “Where I Come From There Are Penalties When A Woman Speaks” at BCC:
Googling people before marrying them is against the law of chastity.
- NewlyHousewife, commenting on the fMh April Conference Saturday open thread:
I had to laugh at the tweet “Cheryl Esplin, Primary General Presidency: Each time she had a child heaven seemed near” and think ‘probably because you were dying of blood loss’.
As you can tell I don’t have the most happy memories of delivery.
- canadacole, commenting on the fMh April Conference Saturday open thread:
I’m just tired of hearing that loud laughter “offends the spirit” said like a universal, like going to a party with alcohol offends the spirit or the spirit doesn’t go out after midnight. Can’t I have the spirit even when I’m laughing at something with my big inappropriate laugh? Maybe the Spirit should listen to one of these talks about not being so easily offended.
- chelseaw, commenting on the post “General Conference: The Steve Evans Memorial Saturday Morning Open Thread” at BCC:
Tears for no reason=the Holy Ghost.
Crazy how I always feel the Spirit the most in that week before my period.
- Kristine, commenting on the post “The Saturday Afternoon Only the Very Elect are Inside on a day like This Thread” at BCC:
I don’t think it’s safe to have Elder Scott speak when everyone is sleepy anyway, then send everyone out to drive. I hope the closing prayer includes noharmoraccidentwillcometous.
- Tracy M., commenting on RJH’s post “The Sunday Morning Where Have All the Flowers Gone Open Thread” at BCC:
We are building arks here in Washington state. Hasn’t stopped pouring in weeks. Aaron B assures me he will steady any ark I build.
- Larry the cable-guy, commenting on RJH’s post “The Sunday Morning Where Have All the Flowers Gone Open Thread” at BCC:
1975: Do it
2012: Stop it
Continuing revelation indeed.
- palerobber, suggesting a brief version of another commenter’s defense of the City Creek Mall, commenting on Nate Oman’s post “City Creek and the Choices of Thrift” at T&S:
The poor will always be with us, so let’s not begrudge the Lord his bling.
- PollyPrissyPants, commenting on April’s post “Mormon Motherhood: Spiritual Buzzkill” at D&S:
[My husband and I] were in a married student ward at BYU. My husband had again been called to be on the high council and was immediately given a speaking assignment in another ward. Our entire stake presidency came to our ward that Sunday to sustain the new high councilor and speak. That Sunday I purposely sat on the front row with our 6 year old, 5 year old, 2 year old very pregnant with number 4. During the Sacrament service the 2 year old got an erection. During a very quiet moment and in a very loud voice he stood up and announced “Mom, my penis is sticking out!” The stake president literally fell off of his chair from laughing.
- qsmxpilot, commenting on Elisothel’s post “CyberMTC (or How To Read a Blog)” at fMh:
To lurk, or not to lurk, that IS the question:
Whether ’tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Sligs and Arrows of outrageous flaming,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of doubt,
And by opposing, end them: to appear a fool, to lurk
No more; and by ceasing, to say we grow.
- hawkgrrrl, commenting on Rebecca J’s post “Some random thoughts about Relief Society” at BCC:
RS is better than a Turkish prison (if books are to be believed) or suicide ward, although it has a similar quality in that same sex inmates are all housed together in solidarity and boredom and to occasionally do crafts or talk about feelings.
- Melyngoch, commenting on Kiskilili’s post “Mormonism Has the Most Sexist Cosmology of Any Religion” at ZD:
[I]f I’m ever in a marriage where I find my husband treating me with reverence, I’m going to wear nothing but a Big Bird costume with little plastic devil horns and moonwalk everywhere I go until he STOPS IT.
- Elouise, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Let’s talk about Church!” at fMh:
GENESIS 1:26–RECENTLY DISCOVERED MISSING PHRASE
“And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
“Except the cats, of course.”
- Lorin, commenting on Aaron R.’s post “Mission rules” at BCC:
It was also against mission rules to take a running dive into the biggest and most historic fountain in the middle of Rome while wearing mission suit and tag.
- Matt, commenting on Aaron R.’s post “Mission rules” at BCC:
I was . . . told that if a member complemented me on my tie, I couldn’t wear it ever again. We called our mission presidency the Tie Taliban.
- LovelyLauren, commenting on Aaron R.’s post “Mission rules” at BCC:
My husband’s mission president made a rule that no one was allowed to sing “Master the Tempest is Raging” like pirates.
- Cynthia L., commenting on her own post “A Tale of Two Infographics” at BCC:
I think of them [stake auxiliary presidencies] as like the Queen in England. Some good advice and cheer from time to time, throws great parties, but no actual institutional authority.
- Ardis E. Parshall, interpreting another commenter who said there wasn’t a danger of intellectual property theft at John McNaughton’s website, commenting on her own post “Don’t Steal from Keepa” at Keepapitchinin:
I’m certain he isn’t accusing McNaughton himself of such theft, as none of the brain cells lost by a viewer while contemplating McNaughton’s art accrue to the benefit of McNaughton …
- Cynthia L., commenting on BHodges’s post “A Response to Bowman on Beards and Correlation (p.1 of 3)” at BCC:
Audacity and quibbling are to blogging what duck and orange are to duck à l’orange
- Lorian, responding to another commenter who condemned an “active gay lifestyle,” commenting on the guest post “No, It’s Not Safe Yet, and Things Like This Aren’t Helping. An Open Letter to Well-Behaved Mormon Woman.” at fMh:
[W]hat about a more sedentary gay lifestyle? A lot of time on the computer, blogging, etc.? Would that be okay?
- Kiskilili, commenting on Brad’s post “If We’re Gonna Do This…” at BCC:
If I took these priesthood debates seriously, I would think there was rampant womb envy among men. It seems Freud got it exactly backwards—no doubt a case of projection.
- kc, commenting on Mark Brown’s post “The Mother’s Day Talk PSA” at BCC:
[N]ow that I do have children, the primary song “I’m so glad when Daddy comes home” has taken on a new meaning for me. Here’s my updated version:
I’m so glad when Daddy comes home,
Glad as I can be
Clap my hands and shout for joy!
And out the door I flee…
- Rebecca J, commenting on Mark Brown’s post “The Mother’s Day Talk PSA” at BCC:
I can’t say I recall ever hearing a bad Mother’s Day talk. I can’t remember the last time I heard a bad sacrament meeting talk, period. Or any talk. My kids are way too distracting.
- Syphax, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “Teaching the Stone in the Hat” at BCC:
We could work it into Primary . . . It just needs a catchy melody:
“The Lord commanded Joseph to look inside a hat
Analytic moderns, they say ‘what’s up with that?’
All Joseph’s neighbors thought prophets shouldn’t scry
Joseph didn’t heed them, this was his reply…”
- Greg D., commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “Teaching the Stone in the Hat” at BCC:
What if Joseph had stuck his head up a horses ass in order to translate? What difference would that make to the fundamental reality that the translation process went forward aided by the gift and power of God?
- Sally, commenting on Karen’s post “Language of the Tribe” at Segullah:
I worked as a home health nurse for years. One of the other nurses who knew I was LDS said that she always knew she was visitng a Mormon house because there was always a jobs chart and a piano.
- Aaron Brown, to arguing commenters, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “Obama: ‘I think same-sex couples should be able to get married.'” at BCC:
Can’t we all just get a bong?
- Mhana, commenting on April’s post “Poll: Mormon Euphemisms for Sex” at the Exponent:
I’m writing my dissertation on infertility, which of course involves also writing about sex and (since I’m a historian) I come across a lot of fun euphemisms in my historical sources and I have to force myself not to accidentally use them.
My favorite (and most repulsive ever) euphemism for a certain masculine bodily fluid involved in the intimate physical expression of marital love? “Life-giving liqueur.” Liqueur. It’s enough to put you off bonbons forever, right?
- lessonNumberOne, on judging the Book of Mormon writer Omni, commenting on John C.’s post “Thursday Theological Poll: Death-bed repentance, maybe, sorta?” at BCC:
[T]here is not enough information. Has he ever taken two girls rollerskating? Does he have a tattoo? How long are his robes? Does he listen to rated R war tales around the camp fire? Does he wear socks with his sandals? How can we properly judge without visual stimuli?
- Jamie, quoting her four-year-old daughter, commenting on Winterbuzz’s post “Out of the Mouth of Babes…” at fMh:
[Q:] What does heaven look like?
A: Um, Jesus playing the wii.
- TapirLuvr28, quoting her nine-year-old nephew, commenting on Winterbuzz’s post “Out of the Mouth of Babes…” at fMh:
[Q:] When a boy grows up, what is he supposed to do?
–have lots of sex
–the same thing as boys
- Kristi Ann, quoting her seven-year-old son, commenting on Winterbuzz’s post “Out of the Mouth of Babes…” at fMh:
[Q:] What does hell look like?
[A:] What is hell? (I said the opposite of heaven) A horrible place. If the devil has a fork, then Jesus has a spoon.
- EOR, commenting on TT’s post “Reason, Authority, and Ralph Hancock” at BCC:
There are really only 3 choices to be had; A. The father presides=no equality, B. The mother and father are equal=no one presides, or C. The Proclamation is a Crock-lamation.
- Marie, commenting on Rebecca J’s post “My feelings about not holding the priesthood (Part two of a million parts)” at BCC:
I’m constantly trying to think of ways to do something just bad enough to get myself barred from difficult callings for the rest of my life, but not so bad to get myself excommunicated
- Sarah Familia, commenting on Kristine’s post “Father’s Day Hymn” at BCC:
My husband was asked to give the prayer in Sunday School, and he opened his prayer by wishing Heavenly Father a happy Father’s Day.
- Carey, on her twin boys, commenting on Jacob’s post “Deaths and (Re)births Part 2: The Fall” at BCC:
[M]y favorite reply to use when people asked me, “How do you tell them a part?”
I’d reply, “We only had one circumcised”
- Cynthia L., on her twins, commenting on Jacob’s post “Deaths and (Re)births Part 2: The Fall” at BCC:
I had a boy and a girl, and often people would ask us if they were identical. Um…US science education FAIL. If in a particularly impish mood (which was a lot of the time those days), I would reply, “No. One has an innie and one has an outie.”
- KaralynZ, commenting on April’s post “Maternity Garmen Wishes” at the Exponent:
If God can give specific enough revelation to Nephi to build a freaking boat, then he *could* give revelation to make perfect maternity/nursing garments.
- MCQ, suggesting how an American should celebrate the 4th of July while living in England, commenting on Devyn S.’s post “My non-July 4th…”
Celebrate the fourth and show those brits how we do it! Invite them over for an “Independence From You BBQ.” Come on man, you owe it to your nation!
- hawkgrrrl, on visiting the Sacred Grove as a kid, commenting on Brent’s post “A Mormon in the Cheap Seats: A Visit to the Grandin Printing Shop on E. Main” at D&S:
I remember walking through the dense trees in my scooter skort at age 5 half wishing half fearing that God the Father would pop out from behind a tree for a friendly chat.
- Kimberly, commenting on Emily A.’s post “My Spirit and Gender: Growing Up Transgendered in the LDS Church” at fMh:
I never did want a penis until I realized I couldn’t write my name in the snow with my parts.
- Rebecca J, commenting on John C.’s post “The black hole, part two” at BCC:
Sometimes I ask my husband to tell me stories of his hard-working missionary days, just so I can feel pretty.
- Your Bestie, commenting on Whoa-man’s post “Are you Honest in your Dealings with your Fellow (Wo)man?” at the Exponent, offering to help her prepare for her temple recommend interview:
We can have a practice interview (while I’m wearing a Ted Kennedy mask and making all sorts of inappropriate comments about my failed prior relationships with your distant family members, of course). I’m sure it will help. Especially since I’ll change the garment question to “Are you going commando right now? Tell me more!”
- marta, commenting on Derek’s post “A Purse is a Purse, of Curse, of Curse” at fMh:
my husband carries stuff around in a plastic grocery bag. so tacky. i wish he would man up and buy a purse.
- anita, on LDS men carrying purses, commenting on Derek’s post “A Purse is a Purse, of Curse, of Curse” at fMh:
But has anyone looked inside to see if LDS men are incredible by what they carry in said purses/briefcases?
- Lucy, on the 3-hour block, commenting on Alison Moore Smith’s post “The Block” at T&S:
It’s like Gilligan’s 3 hour tour
- Ned Quimby, suggesting a new format for church, commenting on Alison Moore Smith’s post “The Block” at T&S:
45 seconds of sacrament mtg, followed by 3 hours of reefers and cheetos.
- Kristine, responding to another commenter who said they were “on different planets,” commenting on Matthew’s post “An Open Letter” at D&S:
Well, as long as we’re both trying to orbit around Kolob, I think being on different planets is ok
- BHodges, quoting and responding to another commenter, commenting on Alison Moore Smith’s post “GAGA: The Insidiousness of Assuaging Guilt with Government” at T&S:
Its not about loving the poor or hating the poor, but about loving government and hating government.
Governments are people, my friend!
- TopHat, commenting on Suzette’s post “The word: ‘Feminist'” at the Exponent:
I can go to a park and tell a random stranger, “I’m a feminist” and get nothing but support. Of course, I take my kids to parks in Berkeley, so there might be some bias there.
- Michael, commenting on BHodges’s post “A Marvelous Slap and a Blunder” at BCC:
I was once treated to a good old-fashioned JW dusting of the feet. It looked a lot like clogging.
- Angela, commenting on Idahospud’s post “Sex Advice At Church” at fMh:
Many years ago (around 1980) my mother-in-law came home from a temple recommend interview and reported to the family assembled for Sunday dinner that the bishop had asked her the strangest question: “Do you menstruate?” Her response, “Yes, but I think I’m about to quit.” She said the bishop was taken aback by her ready response and didn’t say anything else about it. My father-in-law and husband laughed and laughed, and I was basically clueless. Of course, it had never occurred to her (or to me) that the bishop was really asking “Do you masturbate?”
- B-Happy, commenting on Idahospud’s post “Sex Advice At Church” at fMh:
I was a chubby 12-year old with fly-away pony tails, a nose freckled by the sun and scabs on my knees when I rode my bike to my Bishop’s interview, a 40-something man that I barely knew. He asked me if I knew what masturbation was and I said I did not, so he explained it to me and that I should not do it. I promptly rode my banana seat bike home and gave it a try.
- Ms Reynolds, commenting on nat kelly’s post “One of the (million) ways we screw up when teaching youth about sex” at fMh:
[M]y siblings and I are really frank and honest with our kids about sex . . . When my shy 12-year-old niece got the talk from [her], my sister asked, “Do you have any questions?” My niece said, “Yes. How can I forget everything you just told me?”
- Some comments on Rebecca J’s post “The best thing about having a Mormon president” at BCC:
Social security stops being a ponzi scheme and becomes and MLM. . . . Gag photo of actual Constitution hanging by a thread much more likely.
Youth Conference at the White House bowling alley and theater — but keep the Scouts out of the War Room.
Diplomatic protocol would henceforth be referred to as “the unwritten order of things”.
Secret Service replaced by Danites. . . . Official White House Portrait by Jon McNaughton!
Lime jello and funeral potatoes at state dinners; special-interest groups will allow ancestors to get baptized for the dead in exchange for pet-pork projects; various embassys throughout the world will relatively cheaply be converted to temples; the new MTC tower will also be used for language training to U.S. special forces; cap sleeves will be more readily available in women’s wear and short shorts will become embarrassingly out of style; more democrats will be made general authorities to provide perceived balance; general conference will be broadcast more broadly and will be interrupted frequently by pro and con talking-head pundits (you will pick which network to watch based on your preferred pundit slant); colorful missionary slang will frequently be used in hip-hop and other pop music; and Joanna Brooks will be named Press Secretary.
How about a statue of Moroni on top of the Washington Monument?
IRS audits replaced by “tax settlement” in December.
Recommend interviews will determine who gets into the White House.
Best moment will be when President Romney tells the White House press corps and says “some things that are true are not very useful.”
- Wanderlust, commenting on Sara Katherine Staheli Hanks’s post “The Importance & Unimportance of Sex” at fMh:
We recently went out to look at sex toys and I balked at the price of something. My husband looked at me and said, “We spent just as much on camping equipment and we do this way more.”
- Kimberly, commenting on Cate’s post “Women’s Conference (or Do Your Wifely Duty to Protect Your Husband From Sin)” at fMh:
I’m willing to bet most men aren’t sighing with relief after climax and thinking,”Thank God my prostate is safe another day!” Or having a romantic dinner so they can take good care of their prostate later.
- annegb, commenting on Paroled from the Primary’s post “Explaining Garments” at Mormon Mentality:
If somebody told me I wasn’t ignorant, I would thank them. Usually I’m being told all the myriads of different ways I am ignorant. Using big and descriptive and sometimes bad words.
- annegb, commenting on Paroled from the Primary’s post “Explaining Garments” at Mormon Mentality:
What do you think . . . the church should just give them [garments] to us? Under that assumption, all religions should buy underwear for their members. Except the ones who don’t believe in underwear.
- Justin, commenting on wheatmeister’s post “Any Opposed?: Weekend Poll” at W&T:
I’ve found voting “opposed” more often can spice up an otherwise lack-luster or bland church experience
- hawkgrrrl, commenting on Bonnie’s post “Which Side of the Lines? Wheat or Tares? Choose.” at W&T:
It gets a little tricky knowing which of our traits is a sin because we are prone to take things too far sometimes, and we are also prone to be blind to our own motives. . . . Being educated is not a sin, but looking down on others is, and as we learn from Star Trek, at some point in being smarter than others, the smart person always tries to take over the ship and develops a Messiah complex.
- Adam Greenwood, commenting on Marc Bohn’s post “The Waylaying of Brandon Flowers” at T&S:
Way to go, Brother B. F. Pretty stalwart. Now if he’d only get into a knife fight in the temple, he’d be almost as cool as B. Y.
- Jamie S, commenting on Kelly’s post “‘Dear fMh’ Fabtacular Friday Fun Fest: Mission Impossible (apparently girls don’t, ‘Ho-o-ope They Call Me on a Missi . . .er . . nevermind.’)” at fMh:
Are there any special songs primary songs that are solely about what a young Mormon girl (and girl only) is expected to aspire to? Maybe they can add an additional verse to the song they’re already singing, for the girls only: “I hope I’m married by age 20! So I can have more kids than you! I HOPE by then I will be ready.. to wed and birth and bake like girls are suppos’d to do!”
- Mark Brown, commenting on Matthew’s post “Richard Dawkins, you’re an ass. Brandon Flowers, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” at D&S:
I would pay good money to see a Lucha Libre cage match between Dawkins and Matt Bowman, for instance, and I think it would end with Bowman jumping off the top rope and bodyslamming Dawkins to the canvas. Bowman understands Dawkins better than Dawkins understands Bowman.
- starienite, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Happy Birthday, a New Look, and a Subversive Bonnet give-away!” at fMh:
Honestly? I found fMh by googling if sex toys were kosher for mormons.
- SC Taysom, commenting on the post “Taysom and Park: Welcome” at BCC:
“Taysom and Park”–Sounds like something that should be in prohibited in For the Strength of Youth
- crazywomancreek, commenting on her own post, “He just loves Her so much…” at fMh:
How rad of a guerrilla group would that be: Heavenly Mothers PR Team?
They could tag up SLC (with chalk, obviously, Mom would not approve of paint), comment on the web, stage agitprop in City Creek Mall…
- Jerilyn, commenting on crazywomancreek’s post “He just loves Her so much…” at fMh:
If they use her [Ann Romney] sparingly, does that mean she’s just a piece of meat?
- rbc, commenting on Orwell’s post “Why the BYU Caffeine Issue Matters — a Non-exhaustive List” at Mormon Mentality:
[W]hen BYU tells obvious whoppers is it a violation of their “so-called” honor code?
- Rune, commenting on nat kelly’s post “I’m a Mormon Because….” at fMh:
I’m a Mormon because…I will -never- be able to swear out loud convincingly.
- anita, commenting on wheatmeister’s post “Who Is This ‘We’? Weekend Poll” at W&T:
what really bothers me is when a husband announces that “we’re pregnant.” no, *we* are not.
- annegb, commenting on Devyn S.’s post “Upcoming Gospel Doctrine Lesson” at Mormon Mentality:
I feel charitable toward [another commenter]; I just don’t agree with him. What–don’t you think “you’re full of crap” is charitable? It’s just a little ad hominem among friends.
- KC, on the fMh fast for everyone in the Presidential debate, commenting on rah’s post “Rock the Fast!” at fMh:
I really don’t like group fasts. Never have. So while I am glad that the folks here at fMh are at least trying to promote a more appropriate fast, I am going to do the opposite and eat a whole bunch of food this weekend. And drink many caffeinated beverages.
- J, on the fMh fast for everyone in the Presidential debate, commenting on rah’s post “Rock the Fast!” at fMh:
If anything, I’m gonna ‘Barack the fast.’
- Senile Old Fart, commenting on Sam Brunson’s post “An Immodest Proposal” at T&S:
One of the tenets of the Unwritten Order of Things is that the saxaphone is Lucifer’s instrument, and that the guitar is the instrument of unwashed musicians who wear hair below the ear lobes and with dubious morality.
- J. A. T., commenting on Sam Brunson’s post “An Immodest Proposal” at T&S:
I hope Moroni and Gideon don’t hear about our ‘policy’ on brass in church. The trumpet is the most important sacred instrument in Mormonsism, Judaism, and Christianity, and we decide to ban it?
- ZD Eve, commenting on Derek’s post “Can We Please have a Dictatorship?” at fMh:
I would enjoy a dictatorship that bent the state to my every whim, but I don’t want to do the heavy bending myself. I could, however, dictate at a remove, by means of a figurehead.
- Exponent II April, on women being ordained, commenting on Winterbuzz’s post “GeneralConference: Saturday Morning Session Open Thread:” at fMh:
I’ll cross my fingers for that. Maybe girls can be ordained at age 13, since boys receive it at 12?
- analisae, on the Holy Ghost being female, commenting on Winterbuzz’s post “GeneralConference: Saturday Morning Session Open Thread:” at fMh:
It would be inappropriate for a female spirit to make all these married men burn in their bosoms
- ZD Eve, commenting on mmiles’s post “A Poll: I went on a mission because…” at BCC:
All right, I admit it. I went for the free makeover and the adorable fundamentalist attire.
- Ed, commenting on sctaysom’s post “What Quentin Tarantino Taught Me About the Temple” at BCC:
I went to the Logan Temple for my endowment right before my mission. I had been a member for about 18 months. There was no mission prep back then. My branch president said “when you go to the temple you rent your clothes.” I thought he meant in the OT Jewish sense. Sounded fine to me. What did I know?
- Ardis E. Parshall, responding to a commenter named Coke Drinker who said there wasn’t a lot of diversity in the audience, commenting on the post “Saturday Afternoon Anticlimactic Nothing Will Compare to Saturday Morning Session Session” at BCC:
Sure there is, Coke Drinker … there are 15,000 shades of opinion on Coke drinking.
- KerBearRN, commenting on the post “Sunday Morning One Miracle at a Time Session” at BCC:
Watching on a feed. Keeps skipping. When Prophet said “let’s take a step backward”, the feed obligingly skipped back to the beginning of his talk.
- Scw, commenting on Paroled from the Primary’s post “Would you fast for your favorite political candidate?” at Mormon Mentality:
I prefer to scream at the TV, I know that influences the outcome of the football game.
- living in zion, commenting on Paroled from the Primary’s post “Would you fast for your favorite political candidate?” at Mormon Mentality:
I didn’t fast for any presidential candidate because half-way through church I was mindlessly feeding Cheerios to my granddaughter and I suddenly realized I was eating them too. So no one got any fasting blessings from me on Sunday. Sorry.
- Denise Ellen Pedroza, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “Sunday PM General Conference: Phew no Mitt embarrassment … yet edition” at BCC:
I have a friend who refers to picking up a temple name, as “the temple welfare line”
- loathingthethewordpressloginsystem, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “Sunday PM General Conference: Phew no Mitt embarrassment … yet edition” at BCC:
Can we at least agree that even if riches and death can both be trials, the one is a lot more fun of a trial than the other?
- StillConfused, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “Sunday PM General Conference: Phew no Mitt embarrassment … yet edition” at BCC:
He said “eagerly we will set aside our weapons of…” and I expected “mass destruction” to be next.
- MDearest, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “Sunday PM General Conference: Phew no Mitt embarrassment … yet edition” at BCC:
I think what you have to be, to pray in GC, is a priesthood holder. That may be un-written somewhere.
- Colin, sympathizing with Elder Holland tearing up during a press conference, commenting on Brent’s post “A Mormon in the Cheap Seats: Progress?” at D&S:
I sometimes speak in tongues when reading the classifieds . . .
- wonderdog, commenting on Christopher Smith’s post “Dawkins Whips Followers into Anti-Mormon Tweeting Frenzy at Worlds Without End:
The reason Obama kept staring at his note pad during the debate is that he had a seer stone that he was trying to use as a teleprompter.
- GAWMB, on the idea of Heavenly Mother being protected from her children, commenting on Jennie’s post “Heavenly Father: The Ultimate Fairy Godmother?” at Segullah:
I wish my husband would respect me enough to not expose me to my children’s constant whining. I can see it now: I will take up residence in the guest room that conveniently only opens from the inside. My husband will act as intermediary between me and the children but will never tell them the messages come from me–you know, out of respect.
- KLC, commenting on April’s post “The Evolving Mormon Definition of Preside” at the Exponent:
Also, the correct title for the RSP, YWP and PP is “sister”, just like the correct title for the bishop, YMP and EQP is “brother”, although I’m fine with calling the HPGL “exalted leader”. Consult the New Testament for more information.
- RJH, commenting on Kevin Barney’s post “The Need for Better Temple Prep” at BCC:
I had great temple prep: I read an anti-Mormon expose, asked a friend whether it was accurate, he nodded and that was that.
- Blake, commenting on Karen H.’s post “Confessions of a Swing State Voter” at BCC:
Wait. is that a State that swings both ways? Or is it a state that is into swinging? I’m just confused.
- Melanie, commenting on Blue’s post “It’s a big world after all” at Segullah:
As a Humanities major I had this fear that the Second Coming would happen before I had a chance to get to Europe, and all of the beautiful but worldly man-made creations would be destroyed.
- SteveP, commenting on Jacob’s post “Whatever Happened to Steve Evans?” at BCC:
One day my car broke down in the middle of the Nevada desert. I was on a lonely road that had very little traffic, except for the occasional passing of motorcycle gangs that I was forced to hide from. Suddenly, five men appeared. Three were of obvious South American extraction (I could tell because they were all wearing Andean hats), one of the men was wearing a “Patmos Burning Man Concert, 123 A.D.” T-shirt, and the fifth was Steve Evans wearing a Jar Jar Binks T-shirt. They fixed my car. Taught me how to use a chain and a knife in a fight and fed me a lunch of triscuits and cheese. It was a strange meeting and I cannot discuss what was talked about except I will say this: Robo Crow is returning.
- Adam G., commenting on his own post “Why I quit Times and Seasons” at Junior Ganymede:
Cross-post? Not I. I’m comfortable in my blogality.
- Sunshine, commenting on annegb’s post “Devastating Screw-up or Just Plain Funny (Can you shrug it off?)” at Mormon Mentality:
A couple of years ago they asked me to play the organ. I’ve never played the organ before. ever. I play the piano, but no organ, and the organ is not the same thing as the piano, just so you know. During one sacrament hymn I swear I was playing the song at the loudest volume ever. I couldn’t figure out how to make the damn thing shut up.
- Jacob J, commenting on TT’s post “10 Changes If I Were In Charge of LDS Scripture…” at Faith-Promoting Rumor:
If we put TT in charge, just think of all the confused people in Sunday School wondering why all the footnotes make analogies to TV repair.
- Mike S, quoting someone else’s Facebook status, commenting on Friend Indeed’s post “Facebook Feeding Frenzy: New Weekly Series” at W&T:
Apparently if I don’t get out of the US I’ll have to give Obama my credit cards so he can buy contraceptives for gay homeless people while aborting our federally-educated-atheist children right after he apologizes for America while smoking weed, shutting down businesses, taking my guns, and sneaking Mexican-Kenyans across the border just before the apocalypse commences!
- Molly, commenting on hawkgrrrl’s post “Racist, Sexist, Treasonous, Militant Hymns” at W&T:
My ex-husband, not a Mormon, objected to “O God the Eternal Father” trying to rhyme “almost” with “lost.” He would always sing “…and be like God, almost…and die or all was toast.” At least this rhymes, even if it isn’t reverent.
- ldsbishop, commenting on Aaron R.’s post “Why Mormons love Movember?” at BCC:
I always found it odd that temple workers couldn’t have any facial hair when two of the characters from the endowment movie have huge, white beards.
- Moss, commenting on Aaron R.’s post “Why Mormons love Movember?” at BCC:
My ward goes in for Movember in a big way, but we have a fair amount of men with goatees, so it can be tough to tell who is ‘raising awareness’ and who is a ‘Godless Hippie’.
- annegb, commenting on Linda’s post “Haiku for the Holidays” at Segullah:
Holidays are here
Bringing promises of cheer
Crap, just kill me now.
- k, commenting on Libby’s post “More Reasons Why You Should Wear Pants to Church on Sunday” at fMh:
I didn’t realize that I needed to look pretty to get into heaven. Better set up that eyebrow wax I’ve been putting off.
- Ardis E. Parshall, commenting on Jacob’s post “Women Wearing Pants At Church BINGO” at BCC:
I yearn for a return to the calmer, saner, more Christ-like discussions of Prop 8, husbands presiding over wives, and the politics of the recent election.
- kc, commenting on Jacob’s post “Women Wearing Pants At Church BINGO” at BCC:
I was wearing boots with my skirt last Sunday–for warmth!–and a fellow ward member told me that he always wondered why women in the church wore “stripper boots” as he pointed to my black, non-shiny, boots bought at Costco. Seriously??!! I asked him how he knows what stripper boots look like. He looked as uncomfortable as he made me feel.
- Alain, commenting on Jacob’s post “Women Wearing Pants At Church BINGO” at BCC:
You really want to make a statement? Walk into sacrament meeting wearing sackcloth and ashes. Anything less and you’re not fully committed.
- John C., commenting on Jacob’s post “Women Wearing Pants At Church BINGO” at BCC:
People, I’m just upset that that someone mentioned extreme feminism in the contents above. What does that mean? I assume feminists snowboarding and cliff diving while reading Judith Butler and Gloria Steinem.
- Brian, commenting on Sam Brunson’s post “An MTC Story” at T&S:
We . . . quickly figured out that some of the lovesick elders’ girlfriends would leave them treats in designated spots between the MTC and the temple. On our P-days we would get up extra early for a special missionary “harvest.”
- David Parker, commenting on Sam Brunson’s post “An MTC Story” at T&S:
I think I was the one who discovered that our name tags, the folded ones that fit over the suit pocket, could be played like kazoos. For a Christmas-time talent show my district and I all got up and played “Far, Far Away On Judea’s Plains” on our name tags.
- Jenne Erigero Alderks, commenting on Elisothel’s post “Pantscapades: The After Party!” at fMh:
My 3 year old daughter is asserting the rights of women to wear whatever they feel is appropriate to church. She is wearing a dress, a skirt and pants.
- Nick Literski, responding to another commenter who mentioned “practicing homosexuals,” commenting on Andrew S’s post “All You Need to Know about Mormons and Gays” at W&T:
[W]hat about when they’ve practiced a really long time, and they get it right?
- Geoff – A, commenting on Andrew S’s post “All You Need to Know about Mormons and Gays” at W&T:
I tried sitting with my wife [in the temple] and was shooed back. If the gay couples could sit together I’d be jealous, but pleased.
- kamschron, commenting on RJH’s post “A quick rejoinder to fool Huckabee” at BCC:
Whosoever shall say to his brother, Disingenuous tool, shall be in danger of the council
- Strollerblader, commenting on Shelah’s post “Share your funny Christmas Mishaps!” at Segullah:
[M]y funniest Christmas story, and most embarrassing story, was the first Christmas we were married. The whole family was at my new in-laws house, gathered around the speaker phone talking to my BIL on his mission in England. I reached over and squeezed my husband’s bum, like I’d gotten in the habit of doing, except that then I heard my father-in-law’s voice say, “It’s me.”
- Kiskilili, commenting on Lynnette’s post “Feeling Equal” at ZD:
Feeling gender equality in the distribution of power in the church is the rough equivalent of feeling the BoM includes a recipe for a chocolate pudding that can double as a salad dressing.
- 6 January 2013