Zelophehad’s Daughters

My life as a member of the church

Posted by Guest

The following is an excerpt from an interview between a member of the Strengthening the Members Committee and missionary rodent, shortly after she was taken into captivity

How long have you been following us?

My people first came to this planet in search of intelligent life in the hopes of opening trade negotiations, and seeking a new avenue for allies in our continuing war–

How many of you are there?

We are currently spread across all missions serving within the church.  I understand conversions rates to be very high, and with each successful missionary experience, we’ve been able to enact more human-to-rodent transformations.  I remember when I was a young pup, newly come to this world–

Why are you here?

Yes, I was but a new pup, young, and not yet fully grown into her antennae, and I remember the local branch presidency reaching out to me in a show of solidarity.  Being that I was so inexperienced at the time, I was unprepared for the offerings that they were promising me, among them, free access to a wide berth of the membership, including–

What is your faithfulness within the church?

I believe that every member of your faith has the great potential to be a worshiper of the true deity Cthulahua.  Until that day arrives, I happily place myself at the mercy of your clergy, whose powers are but a trivial slight against the mighty armies we have at our command.

Are you a full-tithe payer?

Yes.

Any final comments?

Only that you know the day of reckoning is at hand.  The time will come when the zealots of Purgalix swoop down upon your world and you be sucked into the Vortex, to spend forever clawing at the Walls of Purgatory lest you turn yourself over to the loving arms of Cthulahua and her followers.

Oh, and happy holidays.

3 Responses to “My life as a member of the church”

  1. 1.

    There’s only one thing wrong with this story.

    Missionary-rodent offspring refer to themselves as “whelps,” not “pups,” in keeping with the terminology of the Authorized Version.

    As a member of the Strengthening the Members Committee, I’ll be investigating this blog for libel.

  2. 2.

    There’s only one thing wrong with this story.

    They don’t do three shows Saturday night at the Sands.

  3. 3.

    Half man, half plant, half missionary rodent. A goblin’s favorite food.

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