Nacle Notebook 2011: Funny Comments

Here are some of the funniest comments I read in the Bloggernacle in 2011.

The comments are in roughly chronological order. In most cases, I’ve taken excerpts from longer comments. Each commenter’s name is a link to the original comment if you want to see them in their full glory.

In case you missed them, here are links to my funniest comments lists from previous years: 2010 2009 2008.

  • BrianJ, on the question of bringing food to primary, commenting on Matt W.’s post “A Major Doctrinal Shift in the 2010 CHI” at New Cool Thang:

What’s with all the talk of bringing candy? Do no teachers bring their Sunbeams bacon?!

  • Sunny, commenting on mmiles’s post “Short Skirt, Long Jacket” at BCC:

The double message of being pretty enough to be appealing, yet not so pretty as to draw unwanted attention is both impossible and completely misguided in that it (again) makes the woman responsible for the responses of those who see her.

Or, as my husband said, “Don’t be walking pornography. Except, do it a little bit.”

  • The redhead, commenting on Carina’s post “The Technophile and the Technophobe Go to Church” at Segullah:

Speaking as an easily distracted person, I can’t handle watching someone else play Angry Birds or the like at church. I’d end up critiquing their performance, and there goes my humility.

  • Mathew, commenting on Steve Evans’s post “FYI, re: Marriott” at BCC:

True story, when I was an adolescent all the kids would talk about finding porn mags by the creek that ran behind our neighborhood. The creek as a source of porn was so well established that one of our teachers advisors, in a lesson about temptation, used a porn mag laying next to the creek as an example of Satan laying snares for young men. Armed with this information I spent hours scouring the banks of the creek for a nudie mag. Despite my repeated and feverish attemps I never once stumbled on even a lingerie catalogue. So excuse me if I’m skeptical about the existence of free porn on the Internet!

  • jane walker, commenting on Heather’s post “Forbidden Fruit” at Doves & Serpents:

When my children were growing up I was very open about sex, We talked about everything from morning erections to how babies were really made which caused my son then in third grade to make a drawing of a machine that could “hand” sperm to your wife when you want a baby because what he had heard about how to do this sounded horrible.

  • nat kelly, commenting on Starfoxy’s post “What do you like?” at the Exponent:

Buffy changed my life. I left work early yesterday because I was sick and just sat on my couch with my tissues and watched Buffy for a few hours. And today I feel all better. Coincidence? I think not. :)

  • marta, describing her gift-giving practices at Valentine’s Day, commenting on Shelah’s post “Covered Wagons and Carnations” at Segullah:

We just flat out don’t give each other gifts. Not for valentines day, birthday, christmas, anniversary (29 years come june). What we do give each other is sincere, heart-felt thanks for not giving a gift and for not expecting a gift. And then we play scrabble.

  • Paul 2, commenting on Julie M. Smith’s post “Polygamy, Again” at T&S:

When my mission president told me no woman would ever marry me, he could tell I wasn’t fit by polygamy standards. Good thing I live in the times when guys have it easy. The bar has been lowered.

  • meggle, commenting on a guest post “Dear fMh (or ending Manuary and how)” at fMh:

My husband wears tighty whities if I haven’t got the laundry done. Who’s going to hell? Him for not wearing his G’s, or me for not getting the laundry done? Or him for not doing the damn laundry himself? . . . Probably we’re all going to hell. And not because of how we wear our garments. Probably because I say hell too much.

  • Fran, commenting on a guest post “Dear fMh (or ending Manuary and how)” at fMh:

If you are concerned with being judged for wearing garment tops or not while nursing, I recommend flashing everyone heavily once. Hopefully, anyone who dared to look will quit after that, and you won’t have to worry about being judged anymore.

  • Ardis E. Parshall, responding to Kristine’s assertion that she had written the new CHI, commenting on MCQ’s post “Sacrament Postlude Music Prohibited?” at Nine Moons:

I knew it! All those additional responsibilities for women and the creation of the Quorum of the Twelve Musicians gave it away!

  • madhousewife, commenting on John C.’s post “Exercise and its discontent” at BCC:

I remember the day I realized that I felt more morally obligated to recycle than I did to read my scriptures. I just stopped recycling. (Just kidding. I just did less of it. You know, just to even things out a bit.)

  • Laurie, commenting on Heather’s post “The Birds and the Bees, Mormon Style” at Doves & Serpents:

[My son] asked me a question about sex a few weeks ago, and I told him that he could always ask his dad about this stuff too. He looked horrified and said, “I would NEVER do that”. I asked why and suggested that dad would be great to talk to since he has the same “parts” as you do. He said (and I will forever be able to tease my hubby), “Because you know way more about this stuff than dad does.”

  • Bobby Pin Natalie, commenting on Joanna’s post “Ask Mormon Girl: What’s the right way to kiss a Mormon woman?” at fMh:

Pet your dog not your date! I think that is totally in a seminary manual somewhere….

  • Norbert, on offering to shake hands with spirit visitors, commenting on Karen H.’s post “I Wanna Shake Your Hand” at BCC:

Could it be some other physical contact, like a fist-bump or pull my finger? Just askin’.

  • Rebecca J., commenting on Devyn S.’s post “The Nursery Parents…” at Mormon Mentality:

Every nursery worker I’ve talked to prefers the dump and run parent. The Kling-ons, in their opinion, made the transition harder for the child. So I dumped and ran when I could. But running ability is hampered when the dumpee is still attached to your leg.

  • Mathew, commenting on Natalie B.’s post “Should tithing subsidize BYU?” at BCC:

“What precisely are appropriate uses of tithing?”

1. The construction of a Mormon Gold Base.
2. A museum dedicated to comparing and contrasting the the artistic styles of President Packer and Matsby.
3. The publication of a pamphlet discussing 2 above and titled “Mormon Miltons and Shakespeares”.
4. Living stipends for BCC permas.
5. Purchasing and then destroying the entire run of Men on a Mission calendars.

  • Jennifer, commenting on Emily M.’s post “On Questions” at Segullah:

My husband’s response to the “When are you going to have more kids?” question: “We tried several times last night!” That always seems to end the conversation.

  • Janet, commenting on Emily M.’s post “On Questions” at Segullah:

I hate being asked: “What’s for dinner?”

I usually answer: “We had dinner yesterday.”

  • ZD Eve, commenting on Rebecca J.’s post “Modestly played” at BCC:

I’ve always found that Lucky Strikes taste better when one smokes them bare-shouldered.

  • wonderdog, commenting on ESO’s post “I Heard a Voice Giving the Gift of the Holy Ghost, and it was Female” at Mormon Mentality:

As High Councilor, I spoke in a ward with several deaf members. I told a joke and the interpreter literally fell out of his chair laughing. After that I never told jokes in my HC talks.

  • Newly Housewife, commenting on Reese Dixon’s post “Garments and protection from the adversary” at fMh:

I . . . believe the extent of physical protection the garment offers is based on the off chance that seeing your ugly underwear will ruin the mood in an affair.

  • Chris H., commenting on Scott B.’s post “What on Earth was I thinking?” at BCC:

I do not pray to be humble in my family prayers. I worry this may encourage my wife to act as God’s messenger.

  • jes, commenting on Scott B.’s post “What on Earth was I thinking?” at BCC:

I had a YW leader who said that every time she prayed for patience, she got pregnant. After 5 kids, she quit praying for patience.

  • Martin, commenting on Scott B.’s post “What on Earth was I thinking?” at BCC:

In high school, I got caught in a huge line of cars coming down Pajarito road from LA to White Rock — somebody in front was going way too slow. As soon as I could see coming down the mesa (while still on the descent), I gunned it and passed 13 cars in one swoop. It was close. Reveling in my success, I looked back on that car that was slowing everybody down. It was my mom.

  • hawkgrrrl, commenting on Mormon Heretic’s post “Why Do LDS Leaders Care So Much About Grooming?” at Wheat & Tares:

Blue shirts and goatees are a gateway sin. It’s a slippery slope from there to worshipping Satan and having sex with goats. It could happen.

  • raedyohed, commenting on Mormon Heretic’s post “Why Do LDS Leaders Care So Much About Grooming?” at Wheat & Tares:

If my bishop or stake president or area president ask me to shave, I’ll do it. I’ll shave my eyebrows too, just for good measure.

  • TopHat, on a therapist’s recommendation to have marital “check ups” with your spouse, commenting on EmilyCC’s post “Nate the Great or a Fight I’m Having with My Husband Through Poetry” at the Exponent:

The “check ups” remind me of companionship inventories. Don’t forget to use the phrase “less effective!”

  • Steve Evans, commenting on MCQ’s inclusion of the Steve Evans Mood Ring in his post “The Online Bloggernacle Gift Shop” at Nine Moons:

Yes, I have many rings for sale:

Three Rings for the Perma-kings under the sky,

Seven for the Comment-lords in their halls of stone,

Nine for Newbie Trolls doomed to die,

One for Steve on his dark throne

In the Land of BCC where the Shadows lie.

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,

One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

In the Land of BCC where the Shadows lie.

  • Starfoxy, commenting on Natalie B.’s post “Are Mormon naming conventions useful?” at BCC:

A big moment of my childhood was in second grade when I called our substitute teacher (who I happened to know from church) “Sister J” in front of my friends. They all gasped and one of them asked “Is she a nun?!”

  • jimbob, commenting on Steve Evans’s post “Your Friday Firestorm #56” at BCC:

I was under the impression Uzzah was struck down for constantly bellowing “Uzzah in the hizzle!” or “Huzzah to Uzzah, my Hebrews!” every time he walked into a room.

  • MAC, commenting on Winterbuzz’s post “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, and Other Popular Fiction” at fMh:

We got a similar book for our wedding. We burned it for heat in the fireplace at the place we stayed for our honeymoon.

  • ifrit, on a video about Planned Parenthood in which many young adults say “I have sex” in Winterbuzz’s post “Planned Parenthood: Bad, Evil, or Just too Rich” at fMh:

Crap. I just watched that without thinking about the fact that my 4-year-old was standing right there. As soon as the commercial was done, she said, “I have sex.” Great. I guess I have some ‘splainin’ to do.

  • jjohnsen, quoting and responding to another commenter in a discussion following Winterbuzz’s post “Planned Parenthood: Bad, Evil, or Just too Rich” at fMh:

“It use to be a requirement that you owned property to have the right to vote.”

It used to be a requirement that you owned a penis to have the right to vote, I’m not sure what your point is.

  • DKL, commenting on his own post “Everybody Eats Something” at Mormon Mentality:

I’m not afraid of cholesterol, because I know that when I die I’ll go straight to heaven.

  • Spack, on how a boy living in a protective bubble because of an immune deficiency might be baptized, commenting on an anonymous guest’s post “You Make the Call: Bubble Boy edition” at BCC:

Is his bubble tight like unto a dish? If so, use heavy machinery to submerge the bubble in the ocean. As long as the bubble is totally immersed, so is he. But it has to be a worthy priesthood holder driving whatever machine does it.

  • Michelle, making a suggestion for President Dalton’s “Guardians of Virtue” talk in a discussion following ECS’s post “Are Mormon Girls the Dementors of the Priesthood?” at fMh:

Someone should make a video for this talk.

Buffy the Virtue Slayer!

Brandishing her deadly cell-phone of doom, she roams around Sunnydale, wearing provacative outfits and sending virtuous young men to hell, utterly helpless against her Slayer powers.

  • RMWife, commenting on Joanna’s post “Ask Mormon Girl: How do you raise daughters in the Church?” at fMh:

I remember in the MTC being spoken to by the MTC president’s wife about putting band aids on my nipples “or at least an extra top” to keep the boys from being distracted when the air conditioner came on.

My response to her was – “Sure. As long as you ask the young men to please duct-tape their erections to their leg, because if you think nipples are distracting, THAT is distracting.”

  • StillConfused, commenting on Mark Brown’s post “Conference Predictions” at BCC:

In order to ensure that everyone knows what porn is so that they can avoid it, the large video screens will show the covers of various questionable magazines and books.

  • Thomas Parkin, commenting on Mark Brown’s post “Conference Predictions” at BCC:

Elder Oaks will wear a purple shirt with a silver tie and will speak on the need to lighten up.

Elder Nelson will say, in his own words, ‘I didn’t much care for most of my family in this life, and I’ll be darned if I’m going to live with them for Eternity.’

President Uctdorf will announce that he has changed his last name to Johnson, and that when it is his turn to be Pope he will take the name Innocent Smith Young I.

Dancing elephant show – during a Saturday session, of course.

Elder Packer’s address will include an endearing, if horse and stumbling, rendition of Morning Has Broken, as sung by Yusuf Islam, formerly known as Cat Stevens.

  • jks, commenting on Mark Brown’s post “Conference Predictions” at BCC:

I look forward to general conference–church meetings where someone doesn’t close their talk/testimony/lesson with “in the name of THY son Jesus Christ.” I get tired of being mistaken for Mary, the mother of Jesus, every single week.

  • Scott B., commenting on his own post “Saturday AM General Conference: Two-Hour Blocks 4Evar!” at BCC:

Until I see a copy of Jesus’ birth certificate, proving where he was born, I’m not going to accept his Earthly or Heavenly Citizenship.

  • Brad, responding to other commenters’ descriptions of the drinking/eating games they play while watching Conference, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Saturday AM General Conference: Two-Hour Blocks 4Evar!” at BCC:

When I watch c-span, every time Reid uses a profane hand gesture I eat a Reeses Peanut Butter Egg.

  • Aaron B., summarizing the Conference statistical report while commenting on Scott B.’s post “Saturday PM General Conference: Since Jimmer’s Not Playing Today, Let’s Watch Conference!” at BCC:

14million + members, 340-ish missions, 28,000+ wards, 3 Nephites still roaming 1-15.

  • annegb, commenting on DKL’s post “If We Can’t Burn the Koran, Then Islam Isn’t Worth Spit” at Mormon Mentality:

Everybody who disagrees with me is stupid. Or a putz. Here at Mormon Mentality, we celebrate ad hominemism. I fondly remember the use of the epithet “shithead.” What a tremendous argument that was. It’ll stick with me forever.

  • MikeInWeHo, commenting on Mark Brown’s post “Outreach, ur doing it wrong” at BCC:

Just remember: When bbell and MikeInWeHo agree, the thinking has been done.

  • Ben S, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Mormon Merit Badge #2: Mormon Cuisine” at BCC:

I think Jello+carrots= salad, whereas Jello+marshmallows= dessert. Jello+carrots+marshmallows is the Schrodinger’s Cat of Mormon food, which can be either one until you serve it.

  • winnie, commenting on Winterbuzz’s post “Mormon Superstition, Urban Legend, and Folklore Post” at fMh:

I used to be certain once a month that I was under Satan’s grip. Turned out to be PMS.

  • mermaid, commenting on Winterbuzz’s post “Mormon Superstition, Urban Legend, and Folklore Post” at fMh:

The first time I skipped church (to go to an out of town festival) I thought for sure it would be the Sunday when the bishop (via a letter form the prophet) would announce that all members needed to go to Missouri. I was so scared I wouldn’t get the message and get left behind.

  • Michelle, commenting on Winterbuzz’s post “Mormon Superstition, Urban Legend, and Folklore Post” at fMh:

I once had a Sunday School teacher say, in class, that drinking Coke is taking the Lord’s name in vain.

Ummmm, never did quite understand that one.

  • kramer, reporting a Mormon urban legend while commenting on Winterbuzz’s post “Mormon Superstition, Urban Legend, and Folklore Post” at fMh:

UFO’s are from the City of Enoch. Although if that were true, there wouldn’t be all those stories about probing.

  • Jacob M, commenting on Kaimi Wenger’s post “Jesus, our Only Joy Be Thou” at T&S:

I enjoy bacon and eggs, but only because they typify Christ.

  • Hemi, commenting on Aaron B’s post “Follow the Prophet” at BCC:

Our primary kids sing this:

Joseph was a prophet,
He had lots of wives,
Emma didn’t like it,
Caused a lot of strife,
Emma threw a lady,
Right out of the door,
Eliza wasn’t married to Joseph any more.

  • Emily A., commenting on Alliegator’s post “False Advertising and the (Mythical?) Utah Mormon” at fMh:

“I’m a Mormon” ads would be a more honest depiction of the actual population if they put in a few “all kinds of crazy” people in the ads.

For instance, the lady in relief society who bears her testimony about pet healings and the three nephites, or the man who bears his testimony on Sunday that the second coming is near and its time to stock up on rice and wheat.

  • gst, on the appropriate subject for talks given at funerals, commenting on Kent Larsen’s post “Mormon Funerals” at T&S:

I think the King Follett sermon should have focused more on the life and accomplishments of King Follett.

  • fMhLisa, commenting on nat kelly’s post “Sunday General Conference — Morning Session Open Thread” at fMh:

A woman in my ward wrote on her facebook page yesterday that the new temple here in Meridian (about ten miles from the temple in Boise) will keep the evil forces at bay. I wonder what the holy circumference is, precisely.

  • Syphax, commenting on Dane Laverty’s post “Tasteful Nudity” at T&S:

I never had a problem with nudity until I first entered the showers at the MTC. There’s good naked, and there’s MTC naked.

I really see little purpose in drawing David or Adam or God or anyone else in the (mostly) raw. I find most claims of “art” to be justification. Yea, I know it’s “reality” that David was naked sometimes, but do we need to sculpt him that way? Why not a nude President Monson in marble or bronze? (I hear he’s naked sometimes, too.)

  • Adam Greenwood, commenting on Dave Banack’s post “Church Discipline in the Internet Age” at T&S:

Clearly we need disciplinary counsels on streaming pay-per-view.

Continued membership would be determined by audience ‘likes’

  • Scott B., commenting on Russell Arben Fox’s post “What Matt Missed About Mitt (and Jon)” at BCC:

Political persuasion by blogger:

Cynthia/John C: Democrat
SteveP: Social Darwinist
RAF: PTA-Marxist
Steve Evans: Canadist
Ronan/Aaron R.: Kingmen
Scott B/J. Stapley: Apathist
Brad Kramer: Nudist

  • LukeWarm, commenting on nat kelly’s post “Waiting for Blood” at fMh:

I once knew a girl who was so upset with her menstrual cycle she was going to trade it in for a Harley Davidson.

  • Kiskilili, commenting on Lynnette’s post “Family Ties” at ZD:

I think the church’s emphasis on the nuclear family is sort of befuddling. We talk about the nuclear family as if it’s in opposition to . . . single parents? Gays? Kibbutzim? People marrying their furniture and begetting little Ottomans?

  • Martin, on pictures of temples included in Alison Moore Smith’s post “Are These Rooms Modest?” at T&S:

Next thing you know, you’ll be posting pictures from anatomy textbooks and asking “is this woman modest? Look, at her display her muscles — she’s not even wearing skin!”

  • Anna M, commenting on Sarah d’Evegnee’s post “Dear Mother’s Day” at Segullah:

My 7yo son was SO excited when we all woke up. He asked, “What are you making for Mother’s Day breakfast?” I told him he could have cold cereal or I’d make him an egg.

“Mom, it’s a special day. You need to make something INCREDIBLE for breakfast.”

  • mmiles, commenting on Karen H.’s post “A Rapturous Poll” at BCC:

Today I went through my 72 hour kits, long overdue. . . . To his detriment, my husband insisted not all expiration dates on food are important. He decided to sample all the goodies, repeatedly running to the sink and spitting.

  • Cynthia L., quoting and responding to another commenter while commenting on Alison Moore Smith’s post “Does Gender Matter?” at T&S:

“it’s as much the responsibility of women to make sure that their/our voices are heard as it is the men’s.”

How are we supposed to discharge that responsibility? BASE jump off the top of the church office building and feet first bust through the window of whatever room the FP, Q12, Q70, 2nd Q70 or Presiding Bishopric are meeting in?

  • Sunny, commenting on Kyle M’s post “Church-Hacker #2: The Romper Room” at BCC:

When I taught nursery our stake . . . insisted the kids only color pictures with a religious theme, no animals, generic people, plants, etc. They also didn’t want them coloring drawings of Jesus because they didn’t want the kids to think Jesus was a cartoon. I invited them to furnish a photo of Jesus and I would let the kids color on that, otherwise, cartoon Jesus would have to do.

  • Stephanie, responding to another commenter who talked about bishops sitting on the stand and assessing people’s needs by looking at them during sacrament meeting, while commenting on Norbert’s post “Sitting on the stand” at BCC:

That is exactly why I sit behind someone else during Sacrament meeting. I am not interested in the Bishopric assessing me. (unless, of course, my countenance screams “Get me out of scouts now!!!!!” Then I will glady sit in the front row.)

  • gst, commenting on Norbert’s post “Sitting on the stand” at BCC:

I like to sit in full view of the bishopric so that they may behold my beatific visage, and marvel as I am transfigured into the form, voice, and countenance of Joseph Smith, and thereby validate my claims to the leadership of the church.

  • hawkgrrrl, commenting on Mike S’s post “If I Were In Charge: Make ‘I Believe’ As Valid As ‘I Know’ in Testimonies” at Wheat & Tares:

On the upside, I’ve noticed that Mormons are more effective in a work setting because we are comfortable with silences. We can patiently wait and let the other person blather on like an idiot. I think this is one of the lessons we learn monthly in Fast & Testimony meeting. :)

  • Suzanne Neilsen, commenting on Winterbuzz’s post “Losing Your Eternal Family, A Lesbian Sister’s Story” at fMh:

Just what the heck is a practicing homosexual?
Sounds like, what, they take a class in it from a qualified instructor and every day after school they spend an hour doing homework?

  • Ardis E. Parshall, commenting on Russell Arben Fox’s post “Do We Want Our Religion To Be Mainstream?” at BCC:

I’d like our religion to be just mainstream enough that when people list our weirdnesses, they’re at least hitting real weirdnesses and not making stuff up.

  • Scriptural band names suggested in comments on Scott B.’s post “Scriptural Band Names” at BCC:
  • The Prick Kickers (RJH)
  • Four Horsemen of the ROCKPOCALYPSE! (Steve L)
  • Baals to the Wall (Alan)
  • When the Prophet Speaks, The Rocking Has Begun (Bryan)
  • The Sister Marsh Creamskimming Experience (Bryan)
  • Thomas Parkin, commenting on John C.’s post “Ron Paul and Korihor: a comparison” at BCC:

My Top Ten Folks I’d Like to See Compared to Korihor:

10. Oprah. Similarities: Korihor claimed that he didn’t bind people down to foolish ordinances; Oprah had several shows about not being bound down to foolish ordinances. Differences: Oprah’s weight has been really up and down over the years. Korihor stayed thin on a diet of mango and garlic fries, with regular exercise – at least twenty minutes, five times a week.

9. Lady Gaga. Similarities: Both created eye-popping videos that dulled people’s senses to their evil intent. Differences: Korihor lead many women into whoredoms. Lady Gaga makes many people never want to have sex again.

8. Ben Franklin. Similarities: Korihor claimed that because people fared according to their genius, nothing they did was a sin. Ben Franklin was a genius who claimed that nothing he might do would be a sin, as long as he did it in France. Differences: Ben Franklin wrote the Poor Richard’s Almanac; Korihor wrote the Richie Richard’s Almanac.

7. Yul Brenner. Similarities: Both Yul Brenner and Korihor looked great with a shaved head. Differences: Yul Brenner worshiped idols even after many different kinds of plagues were brought down on his kingdom. Korihor went squealing like a baby the first time someone threatened to put him in the slammer.

6. King Tut (another Egyptian!). Similarities: Both their names start with a K. Both lived in a condo made of stone-uh. Differences: Both were born in Babylonia, but King Tut moved to Arizona, while Korihor moved to Zarahemla.

5. J.K. Rowling. Similarities: Both told bewitching stories that lead good Christian children to join covens and practice wicked sorcery. Differences: Actually, this is another similarity: we see in both cases that the devil will not support his own in the end, but carefully leadeth their souls down to hell.

4. George W. Bush. Similarities: Both were struck dumb. Differences: Korihor was struck dumb as a sign to him of the existence of God. Bush was struck dumb as a sign to us that someone unseen is definitely in charge.

3. Neal Armstrong. Similarities: Both came to see that the regular motions of the planets were evidence of a supreme creator. Differences: Neal Armstrong walked on the moon. Korihor believed that the moon landings were faked in order to distract us from the nuclear arms race and urban poverty. This lack of credulity didn’t keep him from discovering the Three Laws of Planetary Motion.

2. Bill Cosby. Similarities: Both were pretty funny, though neither has ever made me lol. Bill Cosby was on President Nixon’s enemy list. Korihor was on President Jesus’ enemy list. Differences: Cosby was known for his promotion of Jello brand gelatin. Korihor was known for his promotion of hell bound Mayan men.

1. William Jefferson Clinton. Similarities: Both benefited from a period of prosperity that probably had little to do with their own policies. Differences: Clinton was a Democrat. Korihor was a Republican.

  • PieFace, telling how she would have dressed for a Relief Society activity at which women were asked to come as princesses, while commenting on nat kelly’s post “Not a pretty princess.” at fMh:

I would have come as She-Ra, Princess of Power. And I would have kept saying things like “By the power of Grayskull-THERE ARE REFRESHMENTS!”

  • Jennie, commenting on Kent Larsen’s post “defining ‘Oh My Heck'” at T&S:

I overheard this joke from one teenage girl to another, on a Trax (public transportation) in Salt Lake, circa 2000: “Do you know what heck is? It’s the place you go if you don’t believe in gosh.”

  • Kevin Barney, on suggested clothing for sister missionaries, commenting on Kristine’s post “Another very short post” at BCC:

The white and cream-colored bras they recommend may be purchased at Eliza’s Secret.

  • NewlyHousewife, on suggested clothing for sister missionaries, commenting on Kristine’s post “Another very short post” at BCC:

Whenever I’m confronted with issues of dress, I ask myself:“What would ‘I am a Mormon’ do?”

So far the answer has been “they’d have a tattoo”.

  • SteveP, commenting on Kristine’s post “What I Wish I Had Said, Part 26 or so” at BCC:

I’m lucky to serve in a calling that demands that I use my intellectual gifts as deeply as I can take them. Just a couple of weeks ago one of my nursery kids asked me why bugs have eyes. I knew! I knew! It was a wonderful moment.

  • Jami, commenting on Tracy M’s post “Perverting Modesty” at BCC:

Anyone who puts a potty-training girl in a one-piece swimsuit is just asking for trouble. This I believe.

  • Adam Greenwood, commenting on Julie M. Smith’s post “A Celestial Education?” at T&S:

For a number of pedagogical and philosophical reasons, my current preferred method of schooling is the Lord of the Flies method. Sort of a hands-on interaction with great literature. This can be done either publicly or privately.

  • Amy, on priesthood leaders in meetings telling men they could remove their suit coats, commenting on Norbert’s post “Summertime & Suit Coats” at BCC:

I would love to see that priesthood leader announce that the women could now remove their pantyhose.

  • Whitney, commenting on Shelah’s post “Community Spotlight: that1girl” at fMh:

Top five things that make Heavenly Father sad:
5. War
4. Hunger
3. Rejecting Christ
2. Domestic violence
1. Women getting PhDs

  • fMhLisa, commenting on Shelah’s post “Community Spotlight: that1girl” at fMh:

Who dusts? That is why I have children.

  • Bored in Vernal, commenting on John C.’s post “My Little Heresies, Part One: Renovating the Afterlife” at BCC:

I think I’ll end up having friends in all of the kingdoms, and I want to hang out with all of them. Can’t we just configure it sorta like Google+ ?

  • Mark Brown, commenting on John C.’s post “My Little Heresies, Part One: Renovating the Afterlife” at BCC:

Since it’s only one step up from the Sons of Perdition, we ought to call it hellestial.

  • Researcher, on people calling Joseph Smith “John Smith,” commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “Review: The Devil Colony, James Rollins” at Keepapitchinin:

That John Smith error is curious. My daughter’s American history textbook had the same error, and she mentioned it to her teacher who contacted the publisher. The publisher replied that the author had it on very good authority that the founder of Mormonism was John Smith. Go figure.

  • Ardis E. Parshall, on people calling Joseph Smith “John Smith,” commenting on her own post “Review: The Devil Colony, James Rollins” at Keepapitchinin:

This is a twist on the meme that Joseph’s name would be had for good and ill among all men. What difference does good or ill make if they can’t even get the name right?

  • Meridian Commenter, commenting on Julie M. Smith’s post “Grant Hardy at Meridian” at T&S:

If Creeping Socialism is so great, then why does it have to creep so much, instead of walking uprightly like normal people or social movements?

  • Kaimi, commenting on Kmillecam’s post “The Next Chapter” at the Exponent:

The Book of Mormon makes clear that Laman and Lemuel only fell away after Sariah started working part-time selling figs at the local bazaar.

  • tisheli, recalling getting her period, commenting on nat kelly’s post “The First Time” at fMh:

Mom never talked to us about girl stuff. I remember one very awkward conversation where she started off, “Um, are you ready for the, ah, *changes* that will soon be happening in your body?” My response was a quick and final, “Yes!” and we never spoke of it again.

  • Marie, commenting on Kyle M’s post “Church-Hacker #13: Programmatic Change” at BCC:

My aunt was (is?) in charge of the Sacrament Meeting programs in her ward. She had an older lady come up to her at church and beg her to stop putting pictures of Jesus on the front of the programs because she was psychologically incapable of throwing Jesus away at the end of the week and the Sacrament Meeting programs were piling up in her house.

Men and women in the military have served twenty year careers without ever firing real weapons. Strategic Air Command asserted that this was a desirable state of affairs with the motto appearing on its shield: “Peace Is Our Profession”. (I used to tell my family that the corollary of that is “War Is Our Hobby”.)

  • Michelle2, on the Arnold Friberg painting of Captain Moroni, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Breaking News: Mormon Man Loves to Preside Over Women” at fMh:

I always liked the story of Captain Moroni, and hence the picture. Phallic symbols? Never noticed them. I just noticed that I got all stirred up by feelings of “fighting for a righteous cause,” or something. . . .

Now I notice the phallic symbols, and I feel patriotic AND horny. Thanks a lot.

  • ZD Eve, describing a Mormon Men’s Rights blogger while commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Breaking News: Mormon Man Loves to Preside Over Women” at fMh:

Whatever he may be in other contexts (husband, father, son, child of God), in cyberspace he’s a troll. To be enjoyed with prudence and caution, not with thanksgiving, sparingly, in the winter and famine of a comic discontent. Under no circumstances to be fed.

  • MCQ, commenting on Dr. Laura’s “acceptable A’s” that justify divorce, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Mormon Familiolatry” at BCC:

I think there are acceptable B’s C’s and D’s of divorce too:

Bank robbing
Cat fancying
Dirty dancing…

I could go on.

  • BrianJ, commenting on Matt W.’s post “Opinion: Be considerate of those who do not use Thee, Thou, Thine and Thy.” at New Cool Thang:

I canst not understandeth how thou couldest find difficulty using proper pronouns whenst speaking in prayer. Surely if thou wast guidethed by the Spirit thou wouldst instinctively get all conjugations correct.

  • CS Eric, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “Reader Question Box #2: ‘do mormons consummate their marriage in the temple'” at BCC:

My patriarchal blessing said something about consummating my marriage in the temple. Never happened. We couldn’t figure out the logistics to make it work.

  • StillConfused, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “Reader Question Box #2: ‘do mormons consummate their marriage in the temple'” at BCC:

So I attended church in Vernal Utah today. It had the clerk’s table up on the stand. But in lieu of the clerk was a flower arrangement. (It was a small ward so maybe the flower arrangement was the clerk)

  • SPE, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “Babies suck! No! Babies rule!” at fMh:

I love my daughter, but I didn’t always love having a baby and I didn’t swoon every time I saw her. Sure, I spent many a nap time leaning over her sleeping in her crib and marveling at her perfection–but I also spent a significant amount of time wishing I could run away and punch my husband in the balls for getting me pregnant as I sped off laughing maniacally into the sunset.

  • Anon for this, commenting on Rebecca J.’s post “Building the perfect resurrected body” at BCC:

This is a nice post, but I’m more interested in my future hyper-nerdy Sci-Fi powers like going through walls and ceilings, traveling faster than the speed of light, and glowing brighter than the sun. Maybe I will also be able to make plants grow in seconds and attract birds of many kinds that will eat out of my hands. Who cares about stray body hair when you get unlimited bandwidth on your Urim&Thummim (made by celestialized Apple technology)?

  • NewlyHousewife, commenting on Rebecca J.’s post “Building the perfect resurrected body” at BCC:

I vote to have all stretch marks removed, along with any surgical scars,and since Jesus got to pick and choose I’d like to add a tattoo on my right buttock to ensure visibility within a crowd–assuming in the afterlife we’re all naked like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. If not, move said tattoo to a visible location on my upper arm. The last thing I want is to be confused with someone else’s wife.

  • Ray, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “Reader Question Box #4: ‘what are the disadvantages of being a mormon'” at BCC:

Steve or gst is the one both mighty and strong. I’ll let them fight it out with their man-purses.

  • Ardis E. Parshall, commenting on Tracy M’s post “Borrowed Light for Your Sister” at BCC:

When a sister’s life doesn’t fit your idea of the ideal, don’t become a linguistic contortionist in a silly pretense that fools nobody: “Well, you teach Gospel Doctrine, so it’s kind of like you’re a mother and we’re your children.”

(What’s next? “You’re really lucky to have those horrible scars on your face, because it makes you more Christ-like. You know, like in ‘no apparent beauty that man should Him desire.’” Or maybe, “Too bad you killed all those people. But you were ushering them into the next world, so it’s more like you’re a mother than a murderer.”)

  • Emmie, commenting on fMhLisa’s post “I love being a girl!” at fMh:

A lady in my ward calls her GYNO “the vagina whisperer” cause he is soooo amazing!

  • me, commenting on Kyle M’s post “Church Hacker #14: Ender’s Game” at BCC:

I’m more annoyed by speakers who feel what they have to say is more important than the scheduled break at 5 after the hour.

I’d prefer that the bishopric member rise at 5 after and body slam the speaker into submission and then reverently close the meeting with a hymn and prayer.

  • Anonymous today, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “Reader Question Box #5: “what’s tmi for a sacrament meeting talk” at BCC:

Quote from a testimony: “I’m so grateful that all of our children were conceived through the garment of the holy priesthood.”

I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I’m out.

  • Emily A., commenting on Elder Anderson’s Conference talk in which he encouraged people to have children, commenting on the post “Saturday Afternoon General Conference- Open Thread” at fMh:

The whole baby talk? I threw it out with the bath water.

  • Syphax, on President Monson’s late arrival,commenting on Scott B.’s post “Saturday AM General Conference: The T&S Memorial Session” at BCC:

President Monson was using an analogy to teach the principle of the Second Coming, by appearing suddenly in Conference at a time that no one expected.

  • Jacob M, commenting on John C.’s post “Saturday PM General Conference: The Edgar Albert Guest Memorial Session” at BCC:

My mother commented that Elder Bednar glows, mostly from the lighting, but probably from the Spirit, too.

  • Allan, commenting on John C.’s post “Saturday PM General Conference: The Edgar Albert Guest Memorial Session” at BCC:

If you’re texting, tweeting, and using the Internet for family history work and thinking about the temple, you probably won’t follow the paths of former Representative Anthony Wiener. Tweet for the Lord.

  • Brad, commenting on the post “Saturday Evening General Conference: The Connor Macleod Memorial Priesthood Session” at BCC:

Carpeted cultural halls are evidence that the Adversary is oh so real.

  • Casey, commenting on the post “Saturday Evening General Conference: The Connor Macleod Memorial Priesthood Session” at BCC:

I fear that subsidized senior housing will lead to a class of free-loading “mission queens” who refuse to ever stop serving. It will create a self-perpetuating “mission state” for the elderly of the church.

  • kc, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “Let My People Pray: It’s time to consider having women give opening/closing prayers in General Conference” at BCC:

My Mom . . . was fine with women saying the opening prayer [in sacrament meeting], but she felt like only PH holders should say the closing prayer so they could seal the meeting with the Holy Spirit of promise. Huh?! Every time I hear some PH holder mumble out a stereotypical prayer ending with bless us to go home safely, etc. I think, “Whew! So glad that this meeting was sealed with the HSoP!”

  • Brother Matsby, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Sunday AM General Conference: The Gordon Jump Memorial Session” at BCC:

It is important that we not refer to ourselves as “Mormon”. For more information about who we are, visit

  • RickH, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Sunday AM General Conference: The Gordon Jump Memorial Session” at BCC:

Ummm… The audio just cut out on my satellite. Does that mean those sentences were uninspired?

  • Seth R.,  commenting on Scott B.’s post “Sunday PM General Conference: The Languatron Memorial Session” at BCC:

“We shall now be pleased to hear….”

Is that a prediction, a description, or a commandment?

  • nobodyputsbabyinacorner, on the idea of men as guardians of women’s virtue, commenting on the post “Sunday Morning General Conference- Open Thread” at fMh:

on the plus side, there is a running joke at my house about how canned clams look like tiny vaginas (sorry, we’re that kind of people). my husband hates clams, and after that talk he used his authority over my virtue to command me to not make any more food involving immodest clam-ginas. what can i do? he presides. :)

  • gst, commenting on Kristine’s post “Stop Saying That!!” at BCC:

I don’t know how I’ll sleep at night if some snake-handling illiterates don’t think I’m Jesusy enough.

  • lessonNumberOne, commenting on Scott B.’s post “Depressing Discoveries About My Libertarianism, Part 2” at BCC:

the message I learned from the book of mormon and prisons? it’s easiest to gaurd your prisoners if they are working. I apply it to parenting.

  • Syphax, commenting on John C.’s post “Should Mormons feel obligated to support Vocal Point in the Sing-Off?” at BCC:

You’re not obligated to support them, you’re just obligated to feel bad if you don’t. It’s the Mormon way.

  • hawkgrrrl, on what a bishop should do if one ward member is scamming many others with a phony investment scheme, commenting on Bishop Bill’s post “Ward Investment Scam!: You’re the Bishop (Poll #12)” at Wheat & Tares:

I would pull out and re-read the “people, don’t be a dumbass” letter from the first presidency reserved for such occasions. Do we have one of those?

  • Layne, commenting on crazywomancreek’s post “Study: ‘What Moms Choose'” at fMh:

I like a clean place, too, but not as much as I like books and the internet and eating.

  • Kristine, commenting on Kyle M’s post “Church-Hacker #16: Impromptu Ward Choir” at BCC:

Jesus may hear the songs we cannot sing, but he still might not like listening to the ones we don’t bother to practice.

  • Just My Opinion, commenting on Kyle M’s post “Church-Hacker #16: Impromptu Ward Choir” at BCC:

Our bishop used to announce that we would have a “rest” hymn, and I guess someone must have mentioned that we shouldn’t used that term. So he announced (on two different Sundays) that we would sing a “congressional” hymn. I think most people completely missed it, but someone (the same someone?) must have mentioned it to the bishop, because now he’s back to calling it a “rest” hymn. Too bad. I rather liked the idea of “congressional.”

  • gst, commenting on Kyle M’s post “Church-Hacker #16: Impromptu Ward Choir” at BCC:

Please consider that metrognomes aren’t an option for those of us that live in rural areas without access to magical dwarves.

  • IdahoG-ma, commenting on Elisothel’s post “Best Worst Mom Moments Ever — Got One?” at fMh:

I called a ward member with many children once and her small daughter answered. After I told her I needed to talk to her mom she said, “You will have to call back, cuz Mom said she was going to take bath and we ‘damn well’ better not bother her less it was a ‘megency.”

  • Andi, commenting on The Wiz’s post “How I Ended Up Calling 911” at Mormon Mommy Wars:

My DH had next door neighbors growing up that ended up being murderers. Awesome considering they had a house key to my hubby’s house to use their phone and “in case of emergencies”. Luckily, they just murder their family members and not neighbors.

  • Matt W., commenting on Scott B.’s post “Repentance and Conflicts of Interest” at BCC:

And forgive me my spelling and punctuation and I will forgive those who have spelled and punctuated against me.

  • MMM, on a supervisor who tried to run his business department as a church auxiliary, commenting on Ardis E. Parshall’s post “Daryl’s Integrity” at Keepapitchinin:

Yeah, I tried that kind of stuff with my employees too. Nobody seemed to like fasting on Thursdays, and the company Handcart Trek was a non-starter.

  • Jess, commenting on Dalene’s post “This was not in the brochure” at Segullah:

I snuck zucchini into a chocolate cake I baked today, and I am not kidding about this. I don’t even feel particularly guilty about the oven baked turnips and parsnips I told the boys were “frech fries” with dinner tonight. Dear heavens. No one told me the thirties were going to bring me to this.

  • Rachel Whipple, commenting on Ben S.’s post “Finally, Family Scripture Study that Works for Us” at T&S:

Sometimes a kid will pick a topic and we work on how to look up scriptures and use the cross references. The last one of those my 11 year old picked out was “leviathan.”

  • Kaimi, commenting on Winterbuzz’s post “Fun With Skinny Jeans, or Lack Thereof!” at fMh:

The school name says it all. Tight jeans are not appropriate for the BYU Eye. :)

  • Brad, commenting on Matt W.’s post “Failing Falling” at New Cool Thang:

I tend to pay more for other people’s transgressions than my own. Why not throw in Adam for good measure?

  • Sundance, commenting on Kyle M’s post “2011: The Year of the Mormon” at BCC:

Is it just me or do all of you sing this tune every time you read about the skinny jeans story: “Skinny jeans, skinny jeans, its not your fault”

  • WVS, commenting on J. Stapley’s post “Review: LDS Beliefs” at BCC:

Anybody who pulls out TWtP [The Way to Perfection] writes the word BOGUS all over their book.

  • Lessonnumberone, commenting on Cynthia L.’s post “Reader Question Box #8: ‘is Tim Tebow Mormon?'” at BCC:

Of course he is Mormon if his Jesus wears socks with his sandals…it’s just that other people don’t see him as christian because of that.

  • Vader, commenting on Man SL’s post “The Decline and Fall of the Dirty Word” at Junior Ganymede:

I used to be able to display my inner darkness with just a dark tunic, a single small scar over one eye, one artificial limb, and lots of scowling.

Nowadays it takes a black plastic armor outfit complete with a cape and a hideous gargoyle face, a complete set of artificial limbs, and more scars than a Broadway audition for The Lion King.


  1. You know, I really needed to go to bed, but I’m laughing so hard I don’t think I can get into bed before I’d have to change my shorts. Thanks Ziff.

    Now to find something sober and depressing…

  2. The funniest part about reading these this morning was trying to explain to my co-workers why they were funny when they asked why I was laughing so hard!

  3. Awesome, as always. My favorite was the one about what to say to people who ask you when you’re going to have children.

  4. I just read through all of these with my wife and oldest three daughters hanging on every word – and gathered around when I was laughing too hard to read the vagina-related ones. They should have been in bed an hour ago, but they stayed to read every one.

    Thanks, Ziff – especially for including Thomas Parkin’s epic Korihor riff.

  5. ‘I usually answer: “We had dinner yesterday.” ‘

    Oh, this one is going to become my standard response. Thank you.

    Thank you.

    Thank you.

  6. So I obviously had to go back and check out some of these posts that happened just before I showed up… Oh man, the Online Bloggernacle Gift Shop? That thing is amazing! But kind of distressing, since I’ve just learned that I’m not technically allowed to be here; I couldn’t have passed calculus to save my life (and I literally mean that literally). I have taken a couple stats classes, but I mostly spent the period sneaking pretzels from my bag, so I wouldn’t count on anything having stuck…

    Anyway. These are all amazing and I heart the Bloggernacle. The end.

  7. I’m glad you enjoyed it, Erin. I only do it yearly, but this is the fourth year I’ve done it. Near the top of the post are links to compilations for the previous years.


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