I’m at a point where I have never felt more free to choose the path I want my life to follow. In many ways, this is a wonderful thing, but my biggest dilemma is that I’m struggling to figure out what I want. I know I love teaching high school English and want to continue in this profession. And I know I eventually want marriage and motherhood. Recently, however, I’ve been thinking about my patriarchal blessing, and doing some reevaluating.
My patriarchal blessing paints a relatively detailed picture of a future life I have yet to realize. I’ve been reading my blessing, wondering if the life it depicts is the life I would currently choose for myself. I’ll admit there are some meaningful promises in my blessing, but at the same time, it paints a picture of religious dedication and service that feels discordant with where I currently am spiritually.
Also, given what’s happened the past few years, I’m not sure what sense to make of what it says about marriage. My patriarchal blessing says my “choice companion will be designated to … [me]” and if you’ve been reading my blog posts the past year or so, you know how that’s turned out thus far. I am happy with where I’m at right now, with dating and with my life overall, but in a number of ways, I’m abandoning the narrative of my patriarchal blessing. And that’s a bit scary.
Additionally, I’ve just started dating someone, and the process of trying to figure out this situation has amplified my fears and questions. Since I am approaching things differently, how will I know it’s what I want, and how will I know if it’s right? And what if God gets involved again in complicated ways? I know I recently decided to work on my relationship with God, but rebuilding is a slow process, and I’m still highly ambivalent about turning to him for guidance on this issue. The necessity of knowing what I want (since I am largely trying to follow a path of my own choosing) has never been so pressing.
To deal with my fears, I’m currently trying to take things as slowly as possible–to take things one small step at a time and to not jump into anything until I feel ready. I’m following a process similar to that in Alma 32: planting seeds, and then seeing if the seed produces “good” fruit. I am finding good fruit, and I’m hoping that as I take my time trying to figure things out, a clear path forward will emerge. But there are no guarantees, and relationships are nothing if not messy.
I’m not really sure what kind of comments or feedback I’m looking for. I know I have to figure this out myself. I guess I just wanted to put this out there–to say I’m a bit scared and uncertain–and have other people hear that. Because I’ve found that it helps.
- 2 August 2010