Zelophehad’s Daughters

Goodnight, Brain

Posted by Kiskilili

In a recent press release, Church authorities announced that the forthcoming Priesthood/Relief Society manuals will be issued in the form of a board book entitled Goodnight, Brain. In order to broaden their accessibility, lessons have been streamlined and simplified into telegraphic language, such as “God good. Devil bad.” Each lesson will take up a single page and will include not only questions for discussion recitation but also appropriate answers.

“Why go to all the effort of Correlating the lessons if you don’t also Correlate the participation?” Church spokesman LaVerne Boondoggle wonders aloud. “These new lessons will be printed in the form of scripts: teachers will pose appropriate questions and students will be invited to choose a response to read aloud verbatim–printed right in the manual for their convenience.”

Boondoggle indicates that Precious Moments has been commissioned to provide attractive and inspiring illustrations. “Many of us were raised on Strawberry Shortcake and Thundercats,” Boondoggle admits. “When Jesus is depicted living in Care-a-Lot, this enables us to connect to the material on a primal level.”

“We would strongly advise that members not rely on any outside sources, including their own experiences, in the preparation for and delivery of these lessons,” Boondoggle emphasizes. “This manual, inspired by a shadowy and anonymous committee, is absolutely sufficient unto itself.”

Many wonder whether the manual includes enough material to fill hour-long lessons without appealing to outside sources, but Boondoggle insists this will pose no difficulties to those truly in tune with the Spirit (of Correlation). “If teachers find it difficult to fill the time with material this thin, we suggest they serve Graham crackers or applesauce following the lesson and then pass out rugs on which attendees can take short naps. Of course, those who are adept at multitasking may find it convenient to nap during the lesson.”

What’s the motivation for this new program? “A rash of unCorrelated spiritual experiences has been reported in the Church,” Boondoggle confides. “We intend to crack down before we have an epidemic on our hands.”

30 Responses to “Goodnight, Brain”

  1. 1.

    Good one.

    Did you miss the other press release from the distribution center? It says that the center now stocks an item called spiritual eyeglasses, and teachers can order them by the dozen or gross. When class participants ask questions which are not in the manual, it proves that they are approaching the material in a worldly manner. The teacher can fix the problem by distributing spiritual eyeglasses before class, just like the 3-D ones at the movies. Then we’ll all be happy.

  2. 2.

    Excellent! :)

  3. 3.

    But why choose April Fool’s Day to make such an important press release? Many LDS will mistakenly think it’s a joke ;)

  4. 4.

    Brilliant, Kiskilili!

  5. 5.

    in tune with the Spirit (of Correlation)

    Best. Thing. Ever.

  6. 6.

    Is it a Joke? I don’t think it is funny, Seriously Is it a Joke? If it’s not more people under 25 will leave.

  7. 7.

    I can’t wait to get my new manual! It will make teaching so much easier. Though I wish Correlation would hurry up and finish their Correlated version of the scriptures. Scripture study is so much harder when I don’t know which scriptures have been properly vetted, and what their official, Correlated interpretation is.

  8. 8.

    [...] Zelophehad’s Daughters | Goodnight, Brain [...]

  9. 9.

    Oh man, I wish you had been around when we had The Sugar Beet going. This is classic stuff!

  10. 10.

    oh how i wish that jesus lived in care-a-lot and that we could deploy our spiritual gifts on rainbow beams from our bellies…

  11. 11.

    Did you hear about the recall? After deciding that the most Celestial color to print Goodnight, Brain in was white they went with it. It was only after the first printing was shipped out they realized the problem. In fairness, some stakes are keeping their white on white copies, claiming, “it says whatever I think it says and that means whatever I think it means.”

  12. 12.

    My favorite post of the entire day. Pure awesome.

  13. 13.

    I’m going to read this about 100 times. :) Perfect. ~

  14. 14.

    I’m about to blow your mind. I give you, the Precious Moments Chapel. “Inspired by Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel in Rome, Precious Moments artist and creator, Samuel J. Butcher, designed and constructed the Precious Moments Chapel….” (Photos here.)

  15. 15.

    “These new lessons will be printed in the form of scripts: teachers will pose appropriate questions and students will be invited to choose a response to read aloud verbatim–printed right in the manual for their convenience.”

    As if blog posts and comments were any different.

  16. 16.


  17. 17.

    Even tho this is a perfect april fools post… I kinda thought about the new RS/Priesthood manuals that we are using this year. It’s as if the entire church is going through Gospel Principals For Mormon Newbies (which is it’s own sunday school class).

  18. 18.

    Oh I just knew you were going to say that, John.

  19. 19.

    The Sugar Beet: sarcasm freed from wit’s burden.

  20. 20.

    It is indeed a joke, Brian.

    Let’s bring back the Sugar Beet, Stephen! Those were the days.

    CWC, no way am I giving up my white-on-white manual! Who needs the lines when the goal is to read between them? The text says whatever I want it to say!

  21. 21.

    April Fools posts always get my hopes up…

    I was REALLY looking forward to church sanctioned snacks and naps in Sunday school!

  22. 22.

    [...] don’t let me forget about the Mormon-specific news of this week! Here’s the most hilarious piece I’ve seen in some time: In a recent press release, Church [...]

  23. 23.

    This is great satire, but has anyone else found the very simple and short lessons facilitate discussion very well? The only regret I have is we don’t get to go very deeply into the topic, but that’s always been the case. I think the lesson manual is a great foundation for some really good lessons and discussion if the teacher and class work at it.

  24. 24.

    I want to marry this post.

  25. 25.

    I want to marry this post and have ten million Celestial babies with it.

  26. 26.

    Wait, if you both marry it, wouldn’t that be celestial post-lygamy?

  27. 27.

    The new manuals didn’t bother me too much, as class can benefit from discussion, and basics are important (as evidenced by how many of us repeatedly forget and repent). The fact that I’ve been cloistered in the nursery for the better part of four years probably helps me just not care. After all, I’ve been using the Care-a-lot manual for quite some time now.

    The thing that got me is the extremely condensed Ensign. The new design was released, I started to read the message from the first presidency, turned the page, and there was nothing left!

    Have we become such an ADD people that all we have time for is a prophetic sound bite? Most of the reformat was done in this way, appealing to a very dumbed down society. I may not continue with my subscription.

  28. 28.

    I loved this blog. I needed a good laugh today and that’s what I got from it. Real life makes best comedies.

  29. 29.

    Having prescribed discussion questions and answers sure would root out the “worldlies” among us. We can’t have anyone bringing in any alternative, non-shiny interpretations, now would we?

  30. 30.

    [...] Goodnight, Brain [...]

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