In a recent press release, Church authorities announced that the forthcoming Priesthood/Relief Society manuals will be issued in the form of a board book entitled Goodnight, Brain. In order to broaden their accessibility, lessons have been streamlined and simplified into telegraphic language, such as “God good. Devil bad.” Each lesson will take up a single page and will include not only questions for discussion recitation but also appropriate answers.
“Why go to all the effort of Correlating the lessons if you don’t also Correlate the participation?” Church spokesman LaVerne Boondoggle wonders aloud. “These new lessons will be printed in the form of scripts: teachers will pose appropriate questions and students will be invited to choose a response to read aloud verbatim–printed right in the manual for their convenience.”
Boondoggle indicates that Precious Moments has been commissioned to provide attractive and inspiring illustrations. “Many of us were raised on Strawberry Shortcake and Thundercats,” Boondoggle admits. “When Jesus is depicted living in Care-a-Lot, this enables us to connect to the material on a primal level.”
“We would strongly advise that members not rely on any outside sources, including their own experiences, in the preparation for and delivery of these lessons,” Boondoggle emphasizes. “This manual, inspired by a shadowy and anonymous committee, is absolutely sufficient unto itself.”
Many wonder whether the manual includes enough material to fill hour-long lessons without appealing to outside sources, but Boondoggle insists this will pose no difficulties to those truly in tune with the Spirit (of Correlation). “If teachers find it difficult to fill the time with material this thin, we suggest they serve Graham crackers or applesauce following the lesson and then pass out rugs on which attendees can take short naps. Of course, those who are adept at multitasking may find it convenient to nap during the lesson.”
What’s the motivation for this new program? “A rash of unCorrelated spiritual experiences has been reported in the Church,” Boondoggle confides. “We intend to crack down before we have an epidemic on our hands.”
- 1 April 2010