To deny LDS singles of masturbation is incredibly cruel and very damaging to they psyche. A few years ago in a moment of unusual candidness, my otherwise very conservative mother (and temple worker for years) made the same comment to my single sister in her thirties.

When I started dating the man who is now my husband, our activities were much more restricted (we kept our pants on) because I wanted to get married in the temple, to him, soon, and wanted to steer completely clear of anything I would feel remotely bad about not confessing.

I don’t have any regrets about my level of sexual activity before marriage. I do have regrets about one evening that was not characterized by the level of mutual respect and affection I otherwise experienced with my (not all that many, under 5) partners. One very important thing I learned was that my line in the sand became easier and easier to defend the more I did so. Maybe that seems counterintuitive. But the more I didn’t have intercourse, the easier it became to continue not having intercourse.

Thanks, Seraphine, for these posts – I feel grateful for this series because it’s addressing something that I’ve heard many adult single people in the church express frustration with – we need more direct guidance and support that is relevant to our own life stages and situations. Celibacy at 30 is different from celibacy at 18. While the guidelines of For the Strength of the Youth are generally great for their intended audience, adults are in a different place in their lives and need corresponding guidance.

It didn’t lead to any addictions of any kind. It didn’t lead to thoughts of guilt or evil. It didn’t put a rift between God and myself, though I can’t go to the temple anymore, I’m ok with that because the temple, honestly, was never a place I felt really good in.

I had a very sensitive boyfriend who was there and caring and taught me a lot about sex. I have come to realize that it is possible to feel close to God and not deny my sexuality as well.

It is a hard road to travel. When you’re not married you have to take into account the other people your partners have been with. It takes a lot of guts to tell the man you love to go and get tested before anything is going to happen. And still, even then, you have to be very careful in avoiding a lot of things that are just not worth the chances. You have to learn about condoms and birth control and so many things you didn’t deal with when being abstinent. However, there are very good and logical ways to do this and that has been a good education for myself.

One night stands were never ok for me and so it still does take a lot of work to actually get to a place of intimacy and sex. I have more understanding and empathy for married couples who find themselves in bad sexual situations. Truth be told, from what I’ve seen, there are more bad sexual relationships going on in marriages than good. I wonder if it’s because one or the other isn’t sure what they want/like etc….because even the thoughts of sex were off limits.

For me, learning what I like and don’t like, learning about sex in general has been very rewarding and satisfying. I know this isn’t helping the post at all, I just wanted to share the fact that having sex, for me, didn’t do so many things I had been taught that it would. I always heard that once you had it it became SO much easier to have it again and again and to get careless. That’s not true. Its just as easy or not easy to control it as it was before I started having sex. It’s helped me better understand problems in sex. I’ve now had a few partners and honestly, only one of them was a really good match sexually. This makes me grateful that I know more things to see and understand when finding a life partner. It helps to go into a relationship knowing my limits and desires. It has helped me know the frustrations and figure out ways to deal with them ( I dated a man who only wanted to have sex once a week and that was a huge struggle between us) et etc etc.

It’s, in all honesty, made me feel normal and aware instead of infantile and repressed. And while I don’t have a boyfriend now, it’s still a struggle to not have sex, but at the same time, I am in control and I know myself and my body. I know how to handle things and I am not frustrated anymore. It’s been the best decision I’ve made the past two years.

Anon (24), I’m so sorry for your heartbreak. I wish I had some kind of reassurance to offer aside from words that will sound somewhat empty given your current pain and distress. I do believe the Lord will bless you, though it may not be in the way you want or when you want. And things may really suck for awhile first.

To say that I am sexually frustrated is an understatement. I have been dating someone who has previously been married and struggles with “self control” when it comes to sex. I finally found someone who wants sex as much and as often as I do. He is the one that has had to put the brakes on our sexual relationship. It is too difficult for me to stop him because I want IT ALL. He isn’t ready for marriage. I’m not ready for sex before marriage. It is too hard for me to deal with emotionally so I have ended the relationship.

I wish I could say that I’m taking a “leap of faith” trusting that Heavenly Father will send blessings for keeping my temple covenants, but I’m heartbroken. I resent Heavenly Father because I chose him above the man I love and want to build my life with. I know this is a trial of my faith, putting Heavenly Father above what I want right now, but I feel like “Lot’s wife” looking backwards, longing for what I left behind. I’m not sure it’s worth it anymore.