I’ve been thinking a lot this past year about how faith is a risk. When you take a leap of faith, you hope that things will work out and that your faith will be confirmed, but this doesn’t necessarily happen. When you walk blindly into darkness, sometimes you find a path or a light, but sometimes you get lost. And sometimes you take a dive headfirst off a cliff you didn’t see. It can happen because your faith wasn’t strong enough; it can happen because what you had faith in wasn’t “true,” but sometimes there’s no clear reason for what happens after you exercise your faith.
There’s a leap of faith that I’ve been pondering recently which I haven’t quite managed yet. God and I are on much better terms than we were earlier this year, and I’m feeling immensely grateful to him for the recent peace in my life, but I haven’t yet been ready to trust Him fully. I’ve been talking to Him and asking for blessings, but I still refuse to ask Him to guide my life. And this past week I realized why it’s been so difficult for me to take this final step.
I don’t currently need guidance on most of the issues in my life. I have good relationships with my family and friends. I love my job, I’m pretty good at it, and I can sort through the complications of teaching high school by talking to colleagues, family, and my therapist. I’m dealing with some health issues, but I have doctors who are helping me, and things are slowly getting better. The issue I’m most likely to turn to God (and the place I feel His guidance would help because of my own struggles and blind spots) is the one subject that I have the most difficulty discussing with Him because of what happened in my life the past few years.
I can’t figure out dating and relationships–how people manage them is a mystery to me. I’m pretty competent in most areas of my life, but this is one thing that baffles me, and where I seem to run into walls every place that I turn. Because I feel like I can’t figure this issue out on my own, this is an area where I’ve often turned to God. Sometimes He gives me advice, and sometimes He doesn’t, which I think is pretty standard practice with Him. However, the past few years He got pretty involved in this aspect of my life. I pretty much did what He told me because I was stuck in a situation that I could not get myself out of, and I trusted Him. But doing God’s will added to my misery, and in the process I felt like He lied to me, or at the very least, allowed me to believe things that were untrue, which caused me immense amounts of pain.
Like I said above, things have improved since then, but I’ve reached a place where I feel like I need God’s guidance in my life when it comes to dating and relationships. He has guidance to offer (I asked). And I am terrified. I want to trust Him, I want to take that leap of faith, but right now I believe that if I walk into the darkness blindly yet again, I will take another headlong plunge off a cliff.
- 3 October 2009