Comments on: Missing Motherhood

By: Zelophehad’s Daughters | Being a 30-something Single in the Church: Part III, Marriage

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 18:26:42 +0000

[...] with where I’m at, it’s not always easy. Part of this has to do with the fact that I do want to get married and have a family. Part of this also has to do with the difficulty of negotiating church as a single woman. [...]

By: Liz C

Liz C — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 05:42:32 +0000

“Motherhood” has little to do with bearing children in mortality, in my opinion. The spirit of mothering is inherent in being created female. I did not “become a mother in Zion” when my first child was born… I became one when God created my spirit.

The opportunities to mother and mentor abound, and it sounds like you’re doing it right now, in your job and as an aunt. To BE a mother in Zion is not the same thing as giving birth. I’ve had many mothers in the gospel and in life, and only one of them actually birthed my physical body.

By: R

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 22:15:16 +0000

Thank you for your heartfelt thoughts. As I have pondered your very honest post I remembered a talk by Barbara Thompson in the October 2007 General RS Meeting:

“Obviously, the first responsibility for teaching children and strengthening the family lies with parents. However, there are many others who can help. I have wonderful parents, but they did not do it alone.

I was in the Tabernacle when President Gordon B. Hinckley first delivered the proclamation on the family at the general Relief Society meeting in September of 1995. That was a great occasion. I felt the significance of the message. I also found myself thinking, “This is a great guide for parents. It is also a big responsibility for parents.” I thought for a moment that it really didn’t pertain too much to me since I wasn’t married and didn’t have any children. But almost as quickly I thought, “But it does pertain to me. I am a member of a family. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, a niece, and a granddaughter. I do have responsibilities—and blessings—because I am a member of a family. Even if I were the only living member of my family, I am still a member of God’s family, and I have a responsibility to help strengthen other families.”

Elder Robert D. Hales said, “Strengthening families is our sacred duty as parents, children, extended family members, leaders, teachers, and individual members of the Church.”3

As Relief Society sisters we can help one another to strengthen families. We are given opportunities to serve in many capacities. We constantly come in contact with children and youth who may need just what we can offer. You older sisters have much good advice and experience to share with younger mothers. Sometimes a Young Women leader or a Primary teacher says or does just the thing that is needed to reinforce what a parent is trying to teach. And obviously we don’t need any particular calling to reach out to a friend or neighbor.

The greatest help we will have in strengthening families is to know and follow the doctrines of Christ and rely on Him to help us. ” Ensign Nov. 2007
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=2f781b3e50cf5110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1

Blessings on your journey Seraphine . . .

By: smalldog

smalldog — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 16:07:57 +0000

I think there is a tendancy in LDS culture (unintentional, but still common) to think that fulfillment only comes one way and if you find fulfillment otherwise or don’t have the opportunity to Do Things The Proper Way, you can’t possibly be living the best kind of life. At university one of my flatmates (who was an English Language major) and I were talking about what we wanted to do after school, she said, “Oh I’m going to get married and have babies.” “Well, what if that doesn’t happen right away? Would you go into editing or writing?” I asked. She looked at me like I’d just said something horrible and walked off.
I didn’t mean to offend, because I genuinely think people can be happy and fulfilled whatever their circumstances. My own patriarchal blessing contains one, single sentence about the possibility of marriage and motherhood, and otherwise concentrates almost entirely on the importance of my education. I did get married recently (took my husband nearly 2 years to talk me into it), and no one was more surprised than me that I wanted to. I still don’t want kids (they scream just looking at me…makes a girl feel a bit inadequate) but I suspect down the road he’ll be able to talk me into that too. A long ways down the road.
I think we do a disservice by cramming the idea of marriage/motherhood as the sole route to happiness down women’s throats. Women are blessed with a myriad of talents and abilities (whether it’s mothering, microbes, language, or nuclear physics), we have stewardship over all of them and will be held accountable if we don’t use and strengthen them. And I also believe that if a woman is not able to be married or have kids and it’s something she wants, prays for, and works towards as a healthy goal, she will not be denied those options, whether now or in the eternities. Which I recognize might not sound very hopeful or positive for some women now struggling with frustrated desires or dissapointment.
Even living life right and Doing Things The Proper Way does not promise bliss. I have many wonderful friends who have gone through divorce, infertility, a loved one’s addictions and abuse, and other problems. I think that The Proper Way may be an ideal. Ideals good to strive for, but not always attainable, and it’s alright to carve out happiness for yourself in another way.

I also think you’ll be a great mom, seraphina, because you want it, but don’t seem to let that desire overwhelm you, or tint your life with bitterness. I always felt growing up that I was at odds with the church because of my desire for a career and lack of desire for a family until I realised that either a career or family can bring happiness or misery. It all depends on what we do with the cards dealt us! Thanks for taking on a touchy topic!

By: Seraphine

Seraphine — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 15:40:21 +0000

Michelle, good luck coming to terms with your own doubts and worries. I know that can be difficult when you feel on the margins at church.

The Franchise, you are definitely right to point out that men do have to make difficult choices when it comes to work and family. And if they work a lot, they don’t get as much quality time with their family. At the same time, I see many men figuring out a balance that works, and I see more women who want to work struggle to find this balance.

Overall, the marketplace is not structured to be good for families where both parents want a lot of quality time with their children.

By: The Franchise

The Franchise — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 02:37:02 +0000

Seraphine, I don’t think men can have it all. Men that work a lot are more distant from their families (particularly their children) than those that work normal hours, and this is even more true compared with fathers that are full-time homemakers. I know I resent how much work will keep me away from my (currently not yet conceived) kids.

By: Michelle Glauser

Michelle Glauser — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 22:05:07 +0000

I’ve had the same worries and doubts. One time Sheri Dew talked about those attitudes in a fireside, but other than that, I feel like the Church or maybe just the members don’t seem to recognize or face the concerns like that, so I have often times ended up feeling like the outsider liberal or the one with the dangerous ideas or something. I’m coming to terms with it, but it will take a lot more humbling, I think.

By: Seraphine

Seraphine — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 01:45:33 +0000

Thanks, Jessawhy. I can see how your blessing looks different given that you got married young and had kids. Though there’s still lots of time for you to pursue education!

E, I’m glad that you have found fulfillment in something that you weren’t sure if you wanted or that you would be good at. I totally think this can happen sometimes. Or, like FoxyJ said, sometimes the things we think we want aren’t what we actually do want (for example, I spent most of my life wanting to be a professor, and I’m not at all upset that my life has changed paths).

D’Arcy, it sounds like there definitely is a lot of commonality in our experiences (and we should compare teaching notes sometime). As my post hints, I can definitely identify with the frustrating reality of hitting a wall with marriage and family (and watching it come so easily for others).

By: D'Arcy

D'Arcy — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 01:16:42 +0000

Seraphine, you and I have the same job. I love teaching High School English, I love the fulfillment it gives me, even if it isn’t the most glamorous of jobs. I really could have written this post myself. And I’m not looking for outside the box options right now either. But, generally in life, it’s hard when you know you’d be really good at something, you desire something greatly, and yet, somehow, you have so little control over it. I’ve always been able to go out and get everything I wanted with my education and with my career and so to keep hitting a brick wall with marriage and family (when so many people around me seem to enter into it so effortlessly) is a frustrating reality.

By: E

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 00:14:27 +0000

I love your description of your feelings for your students. It is wonderful to know that there are teachers out there who truly enjoy and care about their students.

When I was growing up, I never really thought that much about whether I wanted to be a mother, I think I just assumed I would be. But I didn’t play with dolls, didn’t like to babysit, and always planned on a lot of education and a career. I was in HS when President Benson gave his “To the Mothers in Zion” talk, urging mothers to stay home full time. I was very upset about it, and tried to resign myself to that, but I never quite could.

Now I am a mother (I also enjoy working full time), Being a mother is absolutely the best, most fulfilling, most wonderful role to me. It is way, way more important to me than my career. I now feel that I could be reasonably happy without my job, but life would be almost meaningless without my children. This has sort of surprised me, because before I had children I kind of felt that I didn’t like children and probably would not be a very good mother.