I enjoyed this year’s Sunstone symposium immensely and have nothing but respect for Sunstone’s mission. In various ways the sessions amused or inspired me by turns, and I especially appreciated the opportunity to form off-line friendships with fellow bloggernaclerites. The seeming bizarreness of the topics of certain sessions is exactly what makes Sunstone welcoming to the likes of me, bizarro extraordinaire. So please accept this parody Sunstone program in the spirit of affection, for both Sunstone and the Church, in which it was intended.
Proposed Sunstone Program, 2009
A Practical Guide to Peepstones and Divining Rods. Tired of useless academic arcana on the application of magical accoutrements in Joseph Smith’s era? Come to this interactive session, watch live demonstrations of divination and levitation, and find out how to make your peepstone work for you!
Armpit Hair and the Gendered Dynamics of the BYU Honor Code. Recognizing that armpit hair is a secondary sex characteristic not dissimilar to facial hair, our panel explores the following pressing issue: should female BYU students be required to apply for armpit-hair cards before being allowed to cultivate a (well-groomed) thicket of hair in the underarm region? What about males?
Celestial Nudism: Fact or Fancy? Do heavenly denizens, who after all no longer have anything to hide in their state of Edenic bliss, waste time with fine-twined linens and those pesky social inequalities they reinforce? Or is running around au naturel a mark of the natural being God seeks to suppress–by donning a suit and tie, that everlasting signifier of all that is good and right?
Mothers Who Know Use Mother’s Little Helper. Mothers who know wear pantyhose while scrubbing the toilet. Mothers who know crochet their children’s diapers with thread carded from cotton they grew themselves. Mothers who know know the importance of relying on a Source outside themselves for emotional strength and stability.
The Stages of Crises of Faith. Never experienced that proverbial crisis in your belief system? Our experts in doubt and religious sabotage guarantee you’ll leave this session in crisis or your money back! (Watch next year for our follow-up workshop: Six Weeks to Religious Apostasy.)
Who Presides in a Lesbian Relationship? Forget the supposed threat to traditional marriage that same-sex unions are said to entail; let’s explore the more vexing doctrinal issue gay partnerships present: Can two gay men mutually preside over each other as equal partners? And should lesbian lovers continually defer authority in a spirit of mutual nurturance?
006: License to Be Offensive. Do your home or visiting teachees take umbrage at your strident and imperious efforts to dragoon them into heaven, or your well-meaning explications of their personal sins? Do your associates resist your overbearing endeavors to educate them about the Church’s shocking past, or your staging interventions to rescue them from Mormonism? We’ll provide tips on how to stand your ground and remind others that when they choose to take offense, they are at fault.
Perlocutionary Intent and the Hegemony of the Abstruse Hermeneutic of Scriptural Usufruct in Cross-Cultural Perspective: A Rhesiological Analysis. If you think you understand this title, you’re delusional. Academic pundits of the most solemn caliber will mince linguistic gobbledy-gook in this cook-off for the pretentious.
Machiavellian Schemes in the BYU Administration Exposed! Our scathing expose reveals the nefarious plots the Lord’s University has been surreptitious party to for decades! Come revel in the sordid truths behind the gleaming smiles and hairdos brushed to perfection!
God’s Family History: Applying Genealogical Injunctions on a Celestial Scale. Through diligent research and years of digging, our team of experts has uncovered God’s ancestors going back ten generations! With our help, you can finally fill out that celestial family tree.
When Good Feminist Go Bad (or, When Feminists Attack). Two award-winning journalists for Fox News report on data gathered using a series of hidden cameras to investigate what those hairy-legged neighbors are doing behind closed doors. Do feminists grow fangs and gnash teeth by the light of the moon? Recovering victims of rabid feminist attacks testify about close encounters with The Bra-Burning Beast.
Please join us following the final session for a Wine-Tasting Soiree on the Good Intentions Pavement adjoining the hotel.
- 17 August 2008