I am continually frustrated about one aspect that seems to always creep up in these types of conversations: a divide between SAHMs and feminists. They are not mutually exclusive, nor should they ever be seen as such. I am a SAHM AND an ardent feminist. I have four children AND have given up my career goals–temporarily (not that it should matter)–to be a SAHM. I am educated and have continued my education, as it fits in with the life I have chosen. I feel ambivalent about my hyphenated name, because they are both names from a male line. Neither represent my female heritage.

I get a lot of the, “you seem too smart to have have gotten yourself into this situation,” (referring to me being a SAHM) which is totally offensive. I’m not saying that this form of sexism is worse than that described toward mothers that choose to work, or wives that choose not to have children, or women that choose neither. It’s all offensive, and should not turn into a “pissing contest” of who has it worse. As humans, we should all be sensitive to and intolerant of this kind of offensive behavior in all of its manifestations and support each other in our personal choices, regardless of what they may be.

uh…second to you…

I do think we could be very, very good friends.

“Are there others of you who, like Eve, were married graduate students at BYU while your husbands were undergrads?”

This is a bit long, but you asked, so here you go:

When we married, I was in the last year of my master’s program at BYU and my husband was a junior. We lived east of campus in a ward made up of on-campus married RAs, renters and mostly homeowners (including a number of professors). I moved into our basement apartment about five months before we got married so I started attending that ward alone then. It wasn’t until after my husband moved in that the bishopric came to visit, then the elders quorum presidency, and then the relief society did a hit and run hot roll drop off, although I had been in the ward seven months already. I had the strange sense that now that I was a Mrs. I was worthy of notice. (That really helped me understand what a hardship it is for single members) I didn’t feel a lot of prejudice for pursuing an advanced degree, because there was such a distancing between the majority “stable” homeowners and the minority “itinerant” renters that I doubt hardly anyone knew who I was, let alone what I did. I (and later we) also didn’t have home teachers, which may have helped avoid the problem.

I also had a supportive department and fellow grad students. I also knew what I was doing was right for me, despite all the infamous BYU talks on marriage and children.

Shortly after I graduated, my husbands parents moved abroad to work, so we’ve been house sitting in their house in Mapleton (south of Provo) while my husband finishes school. Now that’s he finishing (August graduation!), I’m going to pursue a PhD starting this fall while my husband works. When we started telling people in the ward we were moving because I’m going back to school, I (naively?) expected them to be happy for me. But instead I usually get a blank look and a change of subject or a demand to know what my husband is going to do. I was initially hurt, because it was a long hard process to decide this is what he needed to do and I expected support from the ward family. Then I realized they fell into two groups, those who simply don’t support our decision because women (especially married women) shouldn’t pursue advanced degrees and those whose simply have no concept of what I’m saying because academia is too far out of their experience (think Joe vs. the Volcano’s “I have no response to that).

I would have to agree with FoxyJ, though, that not having children is more of an isolating factor in the church than an advanced degree, at least in my experience.

On tithing year end summaries, I typically write the tithing checks, and I always fill out my wife’s name first on the tithing slip (e.g., “Zophronia and Ziff Zelophehad”) and our year-end summaries have always come back the same way–with her listed first. I’m not sure how much control MLS gives over that type of listing because I’ve never worked on the financial side of clerking.

I have to say that I share Sam B.’s (#61, 62) concern about potentially insulting women I meet at church by asking the wrong questions. Asking a woman who I’ve already seen has kids “What do you do?” might have the meta-message “raising your kids isn’t enough.” Asking a woman who I haven’t seen kids “What do you do?” might have the meta-message “If you’re doing anything other than raising children you’re evil.” So I appreciate Starfoxy’s “tell me about yourself” suggestion (#65).

Eve, I really like this post as well as your explanatory comments, particularly #74.

I clarified that his name was Brother X but her name was Sister Y. [Korean women keep their own family names when they get married.] Everyone turned and stared at me and after a long pause, someone asked, “Are they married?”

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