Comments on: The Joy of Being “Not Pregnant”*

By: Eve

Eve — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 21:03:01 +0000

I definitely see what you mean, Ali; I think your further example of complaining about one’s husband to a recently divorced woman is illustrative. It’s certainly a difficult issue.

I think for me, personally, it depends on where on the trial curve I happen to be. When I’m in the very pits of depression, for instance, all I can see about non-depressed people is that they’re not depressed. Lucky them, I’ve thought bitterly; what do they know about real life and suffering? (Ah, depression certainly makes a person full of lovely, eminently rational sentiments, doesn’t it?) But once I move out of the pit a little, it becomes obvious that the world doesn’t bifurcate neatly into the depressed and the non-depressed, that other people are in the throes of trials I know nothing of. They might just as well envy me and my problems.

Certainly it behooves us all to be sensitive. If someone’s just been left by a husband of twenty-five years and she’s devastated, yeah, I’d feel pretty dumb for whining that my husband doesn’t pick up his socks. On the other hand, my real trials (infertility, for example) don’t obliterate the existence of someone else’s equal and opposite trial (excessive or unwanted fertility). It’s devastating to be unable to get pregnant in one’s thirties, but that devastation doesn’t minimize the devastation of finding out you’re pregnant at fourteen. They both suck.

By: Ali Garner

Ali Garner — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 19:26:42 +0000

I guess my point was that no matter what our struggles we should look at the bigger picture and be grateful for what we have. I think by and large it’s a lot easier to not get pregnant than it is (for many women) to get pregnant. That said, I am grateful that my boys are now in school and I have some time to myself during the days. And although I didn’t have “3 under 3″ (which I’m sure must be incredibly difficult) my son with Down’s is still not toilet trained, so I do know what it is like to struggle with children, believe me! But that doesn’t mean I’m not looking forward to when our adoption comes through and I have another little one to keep me busy all day long. My experience in RS taught me to think before I speak, because what I’m complaining about might be hurtful to someone else (like complaining about my husband in front of someone who is divorced).

By: Ziff

Ziff — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 01:42:43 +0000

Great comment, Eve. I particularly like this point,

one kind of struggle doesn’t cancel out the other

which is so broadly applicable. Just because I struggle with one issue doesn’t mean that someone else can’t have a very real struggle with the completely opposite issue.

By: Eve

Eve — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 01:07:23 +0000

That's a tough one, Ali. I've sometimes thought that there are two kinds of married Mormon women: those at the mercy of their fertility, and those of us who wish we had a little more fertility to be at the mercy of.

But I think the irony is that one kind of struggle doesn't cancel out the other. Just the other day I read someone who I surmised was struggling with her children who said she didn't read infertility posts because they made her feel too guilty. I would really hope our sorrows, whatever, they are, don't become a source of guilt for other people. I've struggled with infertility for a long time, but the fact that there are so many women who'd desperately like children doesn't mean that bearing and raising children isn't really, really hard. I can't imagine the challenges of having three kids three and under, as Vada does. And so I can smile and rejoice with her at the joys of being "not pregnant."

By: Ali Garner

Ali Garner — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 00:45:32 +0000

My two pregnancies weren’t the easiest and I didn’t “love” being pregnant, but I’m incredibly grateful for the fact that I was able to get pregnant and give birth to 2 relatively healthy boys (one has Down syndrome). I’ve spent most of the last 8 years wishing I could get pregnant again, and the past 18 months working on adopting (which is a horrific job, paperwork like you wouldn’t believe). I’ve had several friends go through terrible fertility problems – - they really have suffered. About 2 years ago in Relief Society opening exercises the president asked for any “good news” and one of the sisters piped up, “I’m not pregnant!” Not very pleasant for me to hear, since I’d just decided to have a needed surgery that would end my fertility (after a long time of trying w/o result). Anyway I think sometimes sisters may take for granted the fact of their fertility.

By: nosurfgirl

nosurfgirl — Fri, 30 May 2008 16:14:10 +0000

I also love not being pregnant!!! My baby is 4 1/2 mos now, so we’re still heavily breastfeeding… I look forward to solid foods. I so understand where you are coming from when it comes to house organization, kids and patience, and extracurricular hobbies that make life worth living. I also write, and I find that there are times when I simply can’t… the first few months of PG, and the first few months post partum are two of those times.

Hooray for babies that are growing up!

By: Karrie

Karrie — Sun, 25 May 2008 05:30:09 +0000

I have a 3 year old and a 10 month old. And I’ve really been loving having the energy to get more done around the home and play with my children. Not that I don’t enjoy being pregnant with my children, because I really did enjoy that special time of feeling the first kick and everything… but I also enjoyed when the end of it finally came! We had decided to wait until our 10 month old was 3 before we had a third. We really wanted to spend time with them while there was one child for each parent to pack around. However… I may be pregnant again. If I am… 18 months between #2 and #3… definitely not in the plans… and although I would cherish this baby like the first two… I have to say that I really feel jipped of my “not pregnant/nursing” stage. I only quite nursing a few months ago…

By: JKS

JKS — Wed, 21 May 2008 22:10:33 +0000

My baby is 8 weeks old. It is great to be “not pregnant.”
I keep surprising myself with how well I’m doing. (Life after #1 and #2 seemed harder).
But then I go and have a hard day. Yesterday I was completely physically exhausted and then it affects my mood.
Congrats on your baby.

By: G

Tue, 20 May 2008 07:45:04 +0000

wow… I want to bow in awe of vada, blogger extraordinaire, with three children under the age of three, a ‘pretty’ clean house, writing 300 words a day and hiking.

I will admit to a tiny bit of envy… but mostly to a great deal of admiration.
brava, sister.

By: Katya

Katya — Fri, 16 May 2008 12:28:08 +0000

I’ll second the joy of not having a headache. Or a stomach ache. Or being exhausted. (Some of us have a rough time with our bodies even when we’re not pregnant . . .)