I applaud you for working toward your own goals. It took me a long time to figure that out for myself and how I can pass that on to my daughters.

In the church I’ve sometimes interacted with women of previous generations who sacrificed everything for their families in accordance with the expectations and rhetoric of the times and who seem to want to make sure that younger women do the same.

Eve–I regularly encounter women of my own generation who communicate the same idea–”I gave up everything, you should too; it is the right thing to do.” That said, I have heard comments from working women about women who only mother, too. In fact, in the short time I have been a mother, I have come to the conclusion that mothers are more judegemental about other mothers than any other group I can think of. I am not excluded–I admit to feeling judgemental about the way my peers mother. I guess it is because we all know the importance of the work that we crave approval from others about how we do it, and if they do it like I do it, than they approve.

Sorry–that was not very articulate.

In the church I’ve sometimes interacted with women of previous generations who sacrificed everything for their families in accordance with the expectations and rhetoric of the times and who seem to want to make sure that younger women do the same. It’s almost a hazing mentality–we gave everything up for our kids, so you should too. If it turns out that there is more leeway in balancing family obligations, careers, personal passions, etc., then they seem to fear that their own sacrifices are nullified. Frankly, I can see why they might feel this way. In the church rhetoric of the fifties and sixties and even the seventies, homemaking and domestic arts were an all-consuming life in which the righteous woman would find complete fulfillment. (There was a GA in the fifties who famously said that if you didn’t like housework, you should get down on your knees and pray to like it.) Choosing to do things on the side for your own interest, like write or work at a part-time job, was less common and more suspect.

I’m very glad that our rhetoric about homemaking and women’s roles has shifted away from this idea that it’s a woman’s nature to find complete and total satisfaction in it, and toward an acceptance of a greater variety of working and domestic arrangements. But I can see how the shift could be threatening to women who gave up their non-domestic dreams (to write, to attend graduate school, to become concert pianists or scientists or whatever) in the sincere belief that they were doing God’s will could feel that the shift is very unfair and retrospectively renders their heartfelt sacrifices unnecessary and even meaningless. It’s a difficult problem to which I don’t think there is an easy solution.

It’s really really hard to be a mother-in-law. It’s hard to be the mother of an adult daughter. If I don’t call or act interested in their lives, they think I don’t care. If I call too much (who knows what that is, I hardly call them) I’m interfering.

When I go over to my daughters, I’ve learned to only express admiration. I mean, I didn’t go over and say, “you suck, this looks awful.” But I might say something like, “oh that’s cute, it would look good with this.” And Sarah gets upset.

I’ve learned to say “oh, that’s too bad” or “you will do the right thing” —avoid advice or even “the appearance of advice” LOL because if they don’t like the advice, they get mad. If I say “I like hamburgers” it could be construed as criticism.

I try not to ask questions because that’s prying, even a “how are you?” can be misconstrued. It’s quite tricky.

I feel sort of sorry for my mother-in-law who is now dead. Although she seldom interfered, but when I was a young wife and mother, I was so touchy.

So, I feel for your mother-in-law. Obviously she’s concerned and she loves your family. Would it be possible for you to put aside your feelings and say “I really appreciate how much you love us. Trust me to do the right thing” ?

Of course, this is all easy for me to say; my mother-in-law has always been wonderful to me. And that’s good because I’m not very good at receiving advice. Perhaps my wife warned her.

On the flip side, I think it’s great that your MiL drops the hints and tells the anecdotes. Because who knows? Maybe one day you’ll agree with her and be glad she kept pushing even though you were so stubborn. Or maybe she’ll just keep teaching you the value of patience and long-suffering. At any rate, according to Elder Maxwell she’s part of your “clinical material”, specifically placed in your sphere of existence for her ability to help bring you to exaltation.

(BTW I speak of things which I still do not understand — because as of this comment, I still think my MiL is Bat-sh** crazy and can’t wait to put her into a nursing home somewhere. How’s that for hypocrisy?)

Anyway, it’s too bad that your MiL drops such obvious hints about her opinion of your role as wife and mother

Just because she said it, it doesn’t mean it is her opinion.

Very often in our stewardships, we say things that the Lord needs someone to hear. It may or may not be our opinion.

That’s why it never bothers me when my adult children ignore what I say and do whatever. Only they are entitled to revelation to know what to do for their own life. My job is merely to say what I feel I should. I don’t assume that when the Lord clearly wants me to say something said that it is his will for them…rather, that it is his will for what I should say, to play my small part in helping their decision.

It does sound like her comments got Vada thinking, which was maybe the point.