We at ZDs are happy to welcome our newest member, the Bouncer. The Bouncer is pursuing a Ph.D. in Auto Body and Creative Negotiations. As a child he received an Iron Sewer Rat for being the first Boy Scout ever to swim a mile through industrial sludge. He applied to law school hoping to become intimately acquainted with torts, but when he discovered no cake was involved, he instead graduated at the top of his class from the renowned perjury program at the University of Cosa Nostra (or so he says).
The Bouncer is the guardian of a secret family cement recipe that goes back to fourteenth-century Palermo. He maintains interests in handcrafted weapons of self-destruction, such as the remote-control atlatl; childrearing practices among Viking chieftans; and the significance of fingernail dirt in cross-cultural analysis. His professional background includes extensive experience as a crash-test dummy, and he is certified to operate hydraulic log-splitters with the safety mechanisms shut off. He can be heard before he can be seen driving a convertible garbage truck at speeds in excess of 20 miles per hour and selling Whooppee cushions to neighborhood children.
Plagued by a sense that something was missing from his life, the Bouncer recently began to get in touch with his feminine side. His parlor, newly redecorated in soft “blush” and “bashful” tones (two very different shades of pink), now features an elaborate display of My Little Ponies, a collection lacking only the rare vintage 1983 edition Starlight Dancer with purple ribbon accessories (which he ardently seeks). The Bouncer is frequently seen attending society balls and masquerades and has won numerous awards for his acclaimed merman costume, complete with a tail boasting an astonishing 6000 green-and-silver sequins as well as an imitation seaweed wig. Other fresh developments include his blossoming interest in quilting bees, spurring him to undertake an ambitious project to represent abstractly, using scraps of incandescent unitards, Strawberry Shortcake’s continuing struggle against senility through the application of Oil of Olay and the consumption of pickled pigs’ feet. He hopes to one day start a small business as a seamster decorating and mending parasols and corsets.
- 13 August 2006